Thursday, May 15, 2008

Funniest. Recap. Ever.

Y'all, I am not watching American Idol this season, but have managed to keep up with the drama through Today show coverage as well as Television without Pity - one of my all-time favorite time-wasting websites. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that it is down to the two Davids: Cook (rocker guy!) and Archuleta (fetus!), respectively. I decided to start my day on a high note: while enjoying my banana/Special K bar breakfast, I read up on the latest recap (written by the brilliant Jacob) of this week's American Idol drama........and then I choked on my banana and Special K bar. The cause? This paragraph right here, discussing D.Arch. and his butchering of a Chris Brown song:

This is ridiculous! Why won't it end? I did not pay zero dollars to have David Effing Archuleta call me his "boo." He can't even ride the tall rides and he's calling me his boo? His boo is, like, the Cabbage Patch Kid he sleeps with. He calls each silver dollar pancake his boo before he eats it in front of cartoons on Saturday morning. "C'mere, boo. I gotta tell you something. You are delicious, little momma." You know who I miss? A-Fed. He was sort of my boo. He's probably about 30-years-old by now. I picture him raising chickens, on a farm. He drinks late at night on the porch and listens to coyotes. He is nobody's boo. His only boo is the sea, and a ship to sail her by. When he pretended to not be a tiny weak little child, you believed he was not, at least for the duration of the song. This crap is like Tom Cruise in the Outsiders trying to front.

Effing. Awesome.

I am going to go and clean the banana from my keyboard now.

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