Thursday, April 27, 2006

"Happy days are here again...the skies above are clear again..."

Ladies and gentlemen...let the TRUE competition begin.

It was the end of the road for Ms. Kellie Pickler last night. And the peasants rejoiced (yay).

This week's theme was not, as I first reported, "Songs by Blind People." (starring the Braillettes*). Instead it was "Songs You Fall Asleep OR Have Sex To." In other words, love songs. And honestly, it was pretty damn boring. Especially compared to last week's show of songbook standards. Only two people kept the show from being a complete snooze-fest: (1) Paula Abdul, whose crazy, crack-and- tequila-induced comments were more out of control than usual- complete with sobs of joy and declarations of love, and (2) Kat McPhee, whose mommy parts were in full force......seriously, I think I saw a nipple....and a flash of panty. It was hot.

Speaking of Kat, she started off the show with "I Have Nothing," made famous by my other favorite crack-user, Whitney Houston. Okay, here's the deal with Kat and this song. I think people were really surprised by the judges reaction to Kat's performance....and Simon did later apologize to Kat for being so hard on her....however, I totally saw where they were coming from on the song. She has an amazing voice. She has phenomenal stage presence. She does. But, she has a tendency, when she sings pop, to pull an Xtina, and manipulate her voice in such a manner that is comes off as kind of forced and scream-y...which is totally different than her vocal style when she sings standards. But, overall, I thought she did an awesome job - that is a tough freakin' song and she really pulled it off.

My boy, Elliott, was next. Yep, I am on the E-Train. He performed "A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway. Okay, I admit it...I hadn't heard this song before. But I am now awfully close to buying this album. I loved this song. I loved Elliott singing this song. I loved Elliott's outfit. (Apparently, he and Seacrest are shopping at the same stores now!) I love Elliott. Period. AND SO DID PAULA. Holy shit. She bawled like a mad woman and went on and on about how Elliott was a true American Idol. Seriously, this woman is batshit crazy. However, I totally agree with what she said. He was great. Go E! (Okay, so maybe I am a little batshit crazy, too.)

After Elliott, I think I might have fallen asleep for a minute or two. Yep, that's drool on my remote. Okay, let's see.....where are we?

I think the doomed Pickler was next...and we knew her performance was doomed for a number of reasons. One of which was her absolutely retarded (I use that word clinically) conversation with Ryan about the song she chose for this evening...."Unchained Melody." Oh holy hell. Really? The world's most boring and overrated song ever. As sung by LeAnn Rimes...good Lord...Are you trying to kill me, Kellie? So she and Ryan talk about her lack of a boyfriend to "play pottery with" like Demi Moore and Patrick "What the hell happened to his career?" Swayze in Ghost. It was painful to watch. Then, David Foster (producer/guest artist/complete assbag) asked Andrea Bocelli what color hair Kellie had. "Blonde." Oh, hahaha...that is so funny, American all are so clever with your cliche blond jokes. On to the was bad. Just awful. Coma-inducing and rather robotic. Completely uninspiring. It was so bad, that Crazy Paula couldn't even come up with anything nice to say.

Taylor, in his normal extra-tight britches and very gray hair sang "Just Once" by James Ingram. Based on David Foster's assessment, I thought I was just going to be blown away by Taylor. Yeah...notsomuch. The band was extra loud. The song was in the wrong key - it was just too low for him. And minus his trademark spaz-tacular moves and "woo! woo!"s, Taylor is just an old-looking dude in a tight suit with a decent soul voice. Aww...too bad. He even looked disappointed...throughout the entire song.

Paris decided, because she hasn't really ever felt real "love" feelings, that she would pick a song about memories. Therefore, she picked "The Way We Were" by the vocal goddess that is Barbra Streisand. This is one of my all-time very favorite means a lot to me songs, so I was rather concerned about the possible ruination of a classic ballad. And, although she hit all the right notes and technically sang it well, I just did not like it in the least. It was just too much - too much forte. Not enough piano (dynamics, not the instrument with the black and white keys)...not enough mezzo piano and mezzo forte....all very loud and shouty. This is such an emotionally mature song...once again, I think that Paris just didn't get it.

Chris closed out the show with the extra mushy, cheezy "Tell me have you ever really, really ever loved a woman" song. Vom. Seriously one of the worst songs ever written. It was what put Bryan Adams over the edge, straight into the "hack singer" category. However, Chris made it quite sexy...of course, I think Chris could make "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" sexy, but that's just my opinion. I really enjoyed his performance. There's no way he will be in the bottom three this week.

Fast forward to Wednesday night. Ryan split the performers into three groups of two: Paris and Kellie, Chris and Elliott, and Taylor and Katharine. He then told Chris and Elliott to sit down - they were safe (yay). He then told Taylor and Katharine that they had the top votes of the night. They were safe (yay again). That left only poor young, loud Paris, and poor stupid, annoying Pickler. Paris...once again safe. Pickler - get your shit, and get out.

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we gots ourselves a singin' competition! Next week, down to five. Five really great performers. If only they had announced the theme...ooh, the suspense is killing me!

Kelly P. OUT.

*Inside joke.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

"Somebody's got a case of the Mondays..." or why I watched this show about priest wannabes.

It's official. There is NOTHING good to watch on Monday nights. And yet, they pack Tuesday nights full of all sorts of television goodness. It is wholly unfair.

Speaking of holy, due to the lack of anything worthwhile on the tube, I decided to watch the finale of "God or the Girl," that I had DV-R'ed on Sunday night (Sundays - another night chock full of my favorite shows...). Did anyone else watch this show? It was on A&E all last week. I watched most of the eps - I think I missed two of them. It was a truly fascinating topic. The show followed four guys as they went through the discernment process to decide whether they wanted a "married life" or the life of a priest. These guys were some serious Catholics.

One guy, Joe, had been "discerning" for about 10 years. Holy crap - 10 years. Either shit or get of the pot, buddy. Yeah, I'm not really very religious, can you tell?! Anyway, his dad was on the verge of being a priest, his mother, a nun. They got married instead, and had eight kids. It was up to Joe to do the priest thing for the family. Well, sorry, Mom and Pop. That guy made the decision to not become a priest...but apparently, has made it his goal to get himself a wife. Well, good luck with that, Celibacy Boy.

The next guy, Dan..I liked Dan. He kind of had a Josh Groban-y look about him and is a youth minister at some college. He is waaaaaaaay extra Mandisa Catholic. Like shout it from the rooftops and make Kelly P. really uncomfortable Catholic. But that's cool tho' - the dude loves his God, and more power to him. Anyway, with all of that shoutin' and praisin', I really thought he was going to make the priestly plunge. But, nope - he's got a girlfriend, Amber, and is going to continue to minister to his youths (yutes?) and live with his brothers at "Fort Zion," a fraternity of sorts, full of celibate college guys eating spaghetti together.

One guy - whose name I don't even know b/c he was only featured on the show for about a night and a half, made the decision right away to stay with his girlfriend - Aly (see, somehow I got her name) - and be a teacher at a Catholic elementary school. Rock on for him. As the wife of a Catholic school administrator, I have to give it up for the parochial school teachers. They have a tough gig and don't get paid squat. But Nameless Guy will certainly be a spiritual guide for his students, and....well....he can still get some lovin' on the side. Good on him.

The last guy, Steve, was my favorite. This dude graduated from UVA and went to make craploads of money as a consultant. He bought a fat condo and a car and had a girlfriend. Then, one day, he read a pamphlet called "The Mysteries of the Black Suit and White Collar" or some shit....and gave everything up. The guy was actually CALLED. He rented out the condo, sold the car, and went to work as a campus missionary. His supervisor there decided that he was still kind of a puss about the whole priest thing so she sent him (and he agreed to it) to Guatemala to work with Father Jorge who worked with about 60 Guatemalan villages. Steve was not all about the village thing at first. He thought it was kind of dirty and smelly and no one spoke English. (Really? Huh.) But after a time there, he was sad to go. And he had made his decision. He made the announcement during mass at his family parish in Arlington, Virginia. He was going to be a priest. Gosh, I had hoped so, because it would be really freakin' awkward to get up in front of the congregation and say, "You know what? This priest stuff is cool and all, but what I really want to do is....DANCE. Or have sex with women."

So, all in all a great show - glad I invested in it a bit. I hope they find some more guys that are going through the process and continue the show. However, I am not really sure how many of those guys are out there. So, good luck, A&E, finding more interesting, young, cute guys that are thinking about the priesthood!

(After that was over, I was forced to watch "The Apprentice," something I have never watched. And now I know why. If I could, I would kick all their asses...including the Donald. What a bunch of idiots.)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Idol Chatter

The pretty boy has left the building.

I am afraid that this post will contain little snark this week, as, overall, I was quite impressed with most (read: everyone but Pickler) of the performances this week. And I even loved Rod Stewart...not his performance, mind you, because I just don't care for him....especially when he does a standard like "The Way You Look Tonight." All I can hear is "Iiiiifff you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on, baby, let me knowwwww..." Vom. I thought his interaction with the Idols was fun and helpful and complimentary and his baby was really cute, too.

The show started with Chris "He's Hot" Daughtry, sans eye makeup (thank goodness) singing "What a Wonderful World." They guy proved Simon and much of the viewing world that he was more than just a Scott Stapp impersonator. He was sweet and vulnerable and gorgeous. The song showed a completely different side of him - and his voice. He can sing without growling and grimacing and looking like he might eat a newborn for breakfast. YAY!

Paris came next. She was apparently late for her gig as a flight attendant with Southwest Airlines. I didn't get it. Loved the song (she channeled Billie Holiday beautfully during her rendition of "These Foolish Things"), hated the outfit. She is certainly quite a talent on stage, even though off stage she sounds slightly retarded. (Okay, maybe the post will have a little snark. I can't help it.)

Taylor sang Sam Cooke's "You Send Me" while, once again, wearing a pair of pants that are so tight you can see his daddy parts. Eww. The first part of the song was, as Simon said, "cabaret"...which I thinks means, in his world, boring kareoke, but the spastic guy rocked it out at the end with all the crazy arm movements and weird Gumby poses. I loved it. It was truly fun to watch...slightly embarrassing, but fun all the same.

Elliott came out next, looking so cute in a little jacket with a boutonniere. It is truly amazing what the AI stylists have done with Elliott's look...before,, Frodo's good-looking twin. Very nice. He sang "It Had to Be You" - and it was great. The guy showed some not-really-seen-before personality and had a good time with the song. He looked like he finally deserved to be on that stage. Loved it.

Kellie Pickler. Pickler, Pickler, Pickler. She was waaaay over her head this week. She attempted to warble through "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered." She had major intonation issues, couldn't stay with the band, and was, overall, pretty freakin' sucky. Seriously, she needs to go back to Albemarle and perform on Nickel Beer Nights at Showgirls. I think she would be much more successful. These songs are just too classy for her. Honestly, it was the absolute worst performance of the night, and probably her worst of the season.

Oh holy hell. Ace, buddy...what the hell did you do to yourself? Ace looked like a cross between a 90's frat boy (seriously, my brother had that hair in the 90's while he was social chair of Alpha Tau Omega...hence - 90's frat boy hairdo) and a mobster. He slicked his hair into this little Pebbles ponytail and had on a black suit and blue tie. Yikes. He sang "That's All"...and it...wasn't that bad. He is just so damn nasal. But, I guess if I had that cute of a nose, I would sing through it too :) But yeah. He's next.

Ahhh...they saved the best for last. Kat was last with "Someone to Watch Over Me" - one of my all time favorite songs both to hear and to sing. Kat has a lovely mezzo voice, with great presence and poise and a true mastery of lyrics. You can tell that the girl has had some lessons! She was breathtaking, really. My one complaint: what what up with the close up of the girl's face??? I could count her freakin' pores! She looked beautiful from top to bottom...couldn't they have pulled the shot back just a bit!

Overall - just amazing. Great, great show.

Wednesday...cruelty at its most AI. First, having to listen to Rod Stewart...then splitting the singers in two groups and making Taylor pick which one was NOT the bottom three singers. Such a tough call, what with Chris (who has been golden up until now) in one group with Ace and Paris (both of whom have beem the bottom three)...and Katharine and Elliott (both of whom have been in the bottom three) and Kellie (who never has been, but damnit, if she shouldn't be this week). Taylor chose correctly, after faking Ryan out with a handshake to Chris, and walked to Katharine's side., Not so safe. It's safe to say....he's had a bad day. ;) Goodbye, Ace - you and your beanies and nasty scar and camera f*cking and nasally George Michael Jackson sound have to go!

Next week...Andrea Bocelli. Okay. The theme..."Greatest Love Songs." Oh. Alright. What I thought in my head (b/c I am evil) was...Songs by Blind People. All Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Ronnie Milsap, and that guy that sang "Angel Eyes." Woo hoo!

Kelly P. OUT.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Killer Queen

And then there were seven.

I have to agree with the other recaps I have read that said that this week's show was quite entertaining. It really was. Maybe it is because I like Queen and, thus, knew all the songs, or maybe it was b/c the makeup artists all had their application knobs turned to "Tammy Faye." I am not sure which. Either way, it was quite enjoyable.

If you hadn't heard, this week was the end of the road for the Buck-ster. And was about time. He was Season 6's Scott Savol...he hung on a little too long. I am curious, however, whether he ACTUALLY had the lowest votes, or if the producers of the show thought this was the best way to get him off the show so he could face criminal charges in his home state for some bizarre twin identity switch thing. I don't know. The whole thing sounds very Sweet Valley High to me...Jessica and Elizabeth were always switching places and causing madcap hijinks. Same thing here...only it was less Bruce Patman and his rich, bullying ways, and more hit and run, resisting a public officer, giving fictitious information to a public officer, driving with a suspended license and leaving the scene of an accident. That's all.

But I again digress....It is so easy to do with this show. On with my random musings.

Buckarino started the show with "Fat Bottomed Girls." It was allllllright, I guess. Nothing special. A little bit of microphone hot potato, some rickety legs, and Queen gone country. Gosh, no wonder he went home. It certainly wasn't memorable. That's all I have for poor Bucky.

Ace Young was next with a song that I never thought I would hear on AI: "We Will Rock You." Wha?!? Are you kidding? This is the most un-Ace song imaginable. Its' all about sweaty hotties on a basketball court, not pretty boys faking English accents and adding bizarre melodic lines. The best part of Ace's portion of the show was his interaction with the remaining members of Queen. In particular, when Ace made some suggestions to the guys in the band about how to make the song more "him," one of the band members basically said that he couldn't bastardize a song that he wrote. Hee. Good for him. Anyway, the performance was just awful...he really should have gone home....again.

Here it is. The moment Robin was waiting for...."Bohemian Rhapsody" sung by....Kellie Pickler. Yep, you read it correctly. The girl who can't pronounce "calamari" or "salmon" was going to attempt a song with lyrics like "I see a little silhouetto of a man. Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me. Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo Figaro - magnifico!" Huh?

Actually, she didn't. She picked 90 seconds of the song that rocked out with some pretty easy lyrics. And it was okay, actually. Her hair and makeup as well as the lighting were taken straight from the video for the song and her outfit was very S&M, but that's cool, because the whole thing was kind of strange. She got through the song and I was pretty content with the whole thing..... and then she opened up her effing mouth. Simon said, "this looked bad on paper" - meaning the idea of Kellie Pickler attempting this song seemed a bad idea...and she said, "Huh? On paper??" She didn't get the phrase.

*cricket, cricket*

Whatever. I am over her and her idiocy.

Taylor was back to his spastic, Tourette's-iness with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which was great to listen to but absolutely wretched to watch. How wretched, you ask? Well, the dude tried to kick over a mic stand.....and missed. Like twice. I think he finally got it on the third try, but fuck, dude. You might want to rehearse that shit or something....or get a wider mic stand. Seriously. But he's safe. It was good...but he was drunk. I agree with Simon on that one.

Chris decided to be the "rebel" (riiiiiight) and picked "Innuendo," a relatively new song for Queen that they never performed live. And damn, if there wasn't a good reason for it. The song had about 2 notes and both of them weren't pretty. It just didn't work for me, Dawg. But.....he's still hot. He had an awful lot of eye makeup on, though - it was very Billie Joe Armstrong....still hot.

Katharine picked one of my ALL-TIME favorite Queen songs to perform: "Who Wants to Live Forever," from the soundtrack for the movie "Highlander." *sigh* It was freshman year in high school all over again for me...watching Highlander with my boyfriend...hated the movie, loved the boyfriend. Anyway, she freakin' killed. It was so good....a little off-pitch in some parts, but it is a tough song, and Freddie Mercury was a vocal overall, she did an amazing job. And she looked gorgeous. I love her. (My mom doesn't - she thinks there is something "off" about Kat, but can't put her finger on it....can anyone help her out?)

Paris once again put on some freaky-deaky black outfit and sang "The Show Must Go On," a song written while Freddie Mercury was dying of AIDS. It is a very adult song...a very mature and emotional song...and I don't think that Paris and her fingerless gloves really got that. It was, as Simon said (hee.), "weird." Quite. I am ready for the show to go on, without RudyParis.

Once again, saving the best for last...Elliott Yamin sang "Somebody to Love," an absolutely great Queen song...and a really freakin' hard song to sing. And the dude pulled it off. I agreed with Randy when he said he was looking forward to Elliott's song b/c he has a similar sound as Freddie - the full vibrato and bright tone...and agreed further when Randy said how great he was. Because he rocked. Here's my question, though. Why does Kellie get crazy lighting and fun makeup and why does Chris get rocker lighting and fun(?) makeup and why does Taylor get crazy....well, he's just crazy, so never mind that one........and Elliott looks like he is performing in his high school auditorium? I don't get it. No lights, no real staging, certainly no "costuming." Very odd. I think it might be sabotage. I'm just sayin'.

Wednesday night - they stretched a 10 minute show into an hour and it was truly painful to watch. Lots of jazz hands, lots of tears, and an eloquently described "community snot rag."" (Thank you again, Ms. Pickler, for your brilliant use of the Queen's English...stupid whore.) Bottom three: Ace (absolutely), Bucky (hell yeah), and Elliott (WHAT THE F*CK!). Ryan had each of them sing right after being told they were in the bottom three....that is just hateful, AI producers, HATEFUL, I SAY. And once again, Elliott blew everyone away.

Without much fanfare, Bucky was told he "had a bad day," and that this was the end of the road. Good riddance, I say. On to Rod effing Stewart week.

Kill me now.


Rough morning....

Dropped the Q off for his big appointment at the vet. Yep, today is the day that he is permanentaly separated from his nut. That's right. Nut. Apparently, the doc has to go spelunking for the other nut.......poor Q. It is going to be a rough day for him as well.

It certainly didn't start out great for him. B/c of the surgery, he had to fast for the the 12 hours beforehand. Well, he didn't much care for that. He likes his breakfast at 6:00, damnit! So, in retaliation for not feeding him (or just because he was really hungry), he ate a button off of Keith's dress shirt. Yep. A button. So, of course, I had to let the vet know that, although we followed his orders about fasting, if he sees a button when he is down there, he will know why.

Needless to say, after my morning, I was forced to stop by Starbucks and pick up a triple venti peppermint mocha. Forced to, I say!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

**For Amanda who has had a helluva couple weeks...

From Overheard in New York:

The Dream Wasn't Long Enough

Hipster girl #1: ...So now I feel really uncomfortable whenever I'm around him.

Hipster girl #2: Why? 'Cause you had dream sex with him?

--L train

Overheard by: master overhear-er

**Trust me, it's funny to us!

Monday, April 10, 2006

So. Sad.

Watched The West Wing last night. And cried. I miss Leo. And John Spencer. I have loved him since his days on L.A. Law. I have to think that, even if the show wasn't in a pivotal place to end, as it was when Spencer died, that it would have done so anyway. I don't think that show could survive without him and his character.

My one major problem with last night's ep, though....The president got the news that Leo died and he...went to sleep??? I don't think if my best friend, confidante, and advisor of 30 some-odd years unexpectedly dies (it was rather unexpected this time), I would be able to sleep as easily as Jed did during the show. Very weird. Maybe it was just me.

I am going to make sure I have a big box of Kleenex with me for next Sunday's episode. It's going to be pretty ugly.


Friday, April 07, 2006

One big country cluster f*ck.

Well, I am back from Notre Dame...and all I have to say about that experience was, "Wow." My boss rocks. And so does my former civil rights prof. I have no idea how the judges are going to rule, but it could certainly go either way. They were both stellar.

Onto more important things than the rights of sex offenders...

Country music night.

Well, we all know how it came out. Mandisa and her mess of a country song left the Woolworth Stools of Love for the last time. And, although I am kind of bummed about it - because, damn, the girl can *sang* - I am not surprised. As Chuck has so eloquently stated, much of her fan base was made up of gay males who loved them some big diva singers....and she alienated the shit out of them with her lifestyle, Adam and Eve-not Adam and Steve talk. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And you know what - whoever the hell decided that she would look REALLY good in a halter style shirt with horizontal stripes? Yeah, you know who you are....shame on you!!!! No, no , no. No self-respecting "curvy" girl would wear such an outfit - and I know, as I am one. Okay, not THAT curvy ;) But still...that stylist should be fired as well.

The shocker for me (SHOCKER*) was the rest of the bottom three. Okay, I know...I might be the only one who loves Elliott, but I do so with all of my heart. He is naturally gifted and completely unassuming. And he actually did a pretty good job - even though Kenny Rogers gave him some shitty advice. And seriously, Paris? I know - some people say she "needs to go" - and that person is Charles - but I don't really think she is worse than those that were left sitting. Not at all. (ahem, Kellie Pickler, I am talking to you.)

Here's the rundown, ladies and gents...and I will try not to screw up the song titles, but honestly, for most of them, I had to look 'em up b/c, like Simon, I don't really like country.

Taylor started us of with a very twitchy and slightly crappy version of John Denver's "Country Roads, Take Me Home." Okay, I knew this song. I love this song. And Taylor ruined this song. It was garbled and out of tune. Was I the only one that thought he should have sung (sang?) "The Gambler"??? Come on. Taylor is well on his way to looking like Kenny Rogers looked at about the time Kenny sang that song....although it is really hard to remember what Kenny Rogers looked like at all looking at the bizarrre half man/half action figure that was the guest artist Tuesday night. WTF???? There's someone else that needs to be fired - that guy's plastic surgeon. Holy shit.

Next. Mandisa. Yeah, country is not really her thing. And why would she pick such a tough song. It really is tough - too many words...and really - it was a bad idea for her to pick a song by someone with the greatest abs known to womankind. I hated it. Couldn't she have done a power ballad by Martina or something? Anything?

Elliott sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks. Another song that I know and love. And he really did a solid job, considering this is NOT his genre. But of course, Kenny "He-Man" Rogers had to go and fuck him up by telling him to not do so many "runs" and stuff. I hate unnecessary runs as much as the next person, but Elliott uses them in such a way that they are musical and expressive, not like over the top Xtina kinds of runs. So basically....Kenny musically castrated poor Elliott. He just cut off his balls and let him hang in the wind with a microphone and a really scared look on his face. Nice job, Man-who-supposedly-is-Kenny-Rogers.

Paris sang "How Do I Live?"...oh, wait. No. That wasn't the title. Apparently, Paris thought the title was "How Do I Leeeeeeeve?" Well, sweetie, you'll leeeeve by singing a LeAnn Rimes and looking pretty pissed to have to do so. She was not comfortable up there in her John Travolta Urban Cowboy outfit. And the judges (and the audience) could tell.

Ace was up next with a whiny version of "Wind Beneath My Wings"....damn, I didn't know Bette had gone country! I later learned it was not Bette, but a Keith Urban song. (Sounded the same.) By the time he got done, I really wished it had been "Wind Beneath My Wings."
"Did you ever know that you're (breath) ashittysingerwhoisonlygettingbyonhisgoodlooksandthevotesofprepubescentgirls?"
I guess not. Sucked. Hated it again. And he has taken the camera sex up a notch...I can't take it.

Effin' Pickler was up next. And for her little pow wow with Ryan, they discussed the rumors that her dumbassy persona was an act. She swore it wasn't, and to punctuate the point, she pointed out to the viewing audience that "salmon" did in fact have an "l" in it.

Really? No shit.

I will never get those 30 seconds back, will I?

She decided to grace us with her version of Reba's "Fancy." And damnit, it was okay. But it had better been okay, right? Because SHE IS A COUNTRY SINGER. Right? Yeah, she has only been shouting that from the rooftops every week. Got it. You are a country singer. And you proved this week that, if necessary, you could pull a weekly gig at Bob's Country Bunker. Congrats.

Chris sang another Keith Urban song...and it was pretty...and boring. But it was nice to hear he can do something other than Live/Creed/Nickelback and that his non-screamy voice is quite pretty. I would like to hear it more. And yep - he's still freakin' hot.

Kat McPhee performed Faith Hill's "You Bring Out the Elvis In Me." Is that really a song???? I just thought she made up some shit as she went along because I couldn't really find a melody and I didn't much care for the lyrics, nor did I really understand them and her sexy dance just didn't cut it for me. See - that was a performance that needed to be in the bottom three. I hated it.

Finally, Bucky. Bucky "did his thing." He did. I enjoyed it. And I can't believe I just wrote that. *sigh* He did. Although I didn't realize that his song was actually a country song - I thought it was, like, Vertical Horizon or something. It was enjoyable and (gulp) he looked kinda cute in the cowboy hat...that is, with his mouth closed, of course, b/c those teeth are rough. I can only handle so much bad teeth, and Elliott almost puts me over the dentistry edge as it is. All I can say about Bucky is...well played, my boy. Well played.

Wednesday night....bottom three: Mandisa, Elliott, Paris.

That's it. I have to start voting.

Ryan sent Paris back (to the Woolworth Stools of Love) and left Mandisa and Elliott together. Okay, I am sorry to state the obvious, but wow. Mandisa made Elliott look like Frodo the Hobbit. Poor thing.

Anyway - Mandisa got the lowest number of votes and she has to pack her bags.......full of halter tops and light colored sequined jeans and horizontal stripes and homophobic slogans emblazoned on picket signs and WWJD tee shirts and Bibles.

Next week - the music of Queen. Stop laughing. I am dead serious. This is one of my all-time favorite bands - I wouldn't joke about such things. Kellie Pickler is going to perform her bastardized version of "Tie Your Mother Down" or "Radio Ga Ga" or even worse, "Bohemian Rhapsody." I am sure that Freddie Mercury is shitting his grave. So sad.

*For Chuck, Amanda, and Kel.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

N.D. then A.I.

Hello, my dear Readers,

I am sure you all are expecting the latest AI rant, full of comments about the inane shit that occurred last night...Paula on the wacky weed, Simon calling Ryan out about Hatchcrest, Kenny Rogers as Madame Tussaud wax figure, Kellie Pickler declaring her love for "Hooked on Phonics"...and we haven't even gotten the performances yet.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to post on said country jamboree today....this afternoon, I am heading to Notre Dame Law School. There, tomorrow morning, my boss-slash-trial lawyer extraordinaire goes head to head with my former and (favorite) civil rights professor-slash-civil liberties guru in front of the 7th Circuit! Woo hoo!!!! Who will I root for?????

Check back tomorrow evening for the full recap and results...

I am off to make my glittery "I *heart* Ken" sign for oral arguments tomorrow!

Love, KP

Monday, April 03, 2006

"I mean even if he had a nice personality and a cool car... although you'd probably have to ride in the backseat because his nuts would ride shotgun."

One of the greatest stories my husband tells about his college dorm life experience was about a game that he and his buddies used to play called "trolling." The object of the game was to see who could come home from the house parties with the ugliest girl. The guy with the ugliest girl wins. Okay, I know...that doesn't sound very funny...or nice...and I am sure many of you are wondering why I married the guy...and others of you who know my husband are not at all surprised by this. Anyway...

At one point during the year, they made the decision for the game to end. Not because they thought it was disgusting or degrading to women...or to themselves for the matter. No. The game came to end because, one night, Keith's roommate brought home who the guys believed was the ultimate "troll." And sadly, the poor girl couldn't help her condition. What made her so very special? Well...

The girl had a wooden leg and a glass eye.

No shit.

A wooden leg AND a glass eye.

Holy crap. How much would that suck? And how long did it take Keith's roommate to find this chick? And who has a WOODEN leg anymore???

I say all of this as background to say... that I just read the funniest line in my client's deposition...and I quote:

Plaintiff's Lawyer: Whose discretion is it -- well first of all, is it discretionary with your office whether people receive assistance who seek assistance?
Defendant: You may need to rephrase that, please.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: Well, for example, if I come to your office and I say, "I need some help to pay my heat for December --"
Defendant: Uh-huh.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: "--and here's my heat bill and I'm unemployed. And I only have one leg --"
Defendant: Uh-huh.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: "--and I need help--"
Defendant: Uh-huh.
Plaintiff's Lawyer:--who decides whether or not I receive the help or not?

"And I only have only leg..."?????? Stop it. Why does that kind of shit crack me up?

I really need help.