Thursday, March 30, 2006

Idol Roundup - also called "I didn't realize that the music from the last six years SUCKED so bad"

Let's get one thing straight before I start this week's rant. Katharine did not deserve to be in the bottom three. Are you effing kidding me? Even though I really am not an Xtina fan...really really not an Xtina fan...Kat had a great voice. Ooh, now that I think about it, maybe the voters just hated her outfit. I know I hated her outfit. I don't know what the hell was going on with that shit, but it was wretched. I can't even describe it in such a way for the readers to fully grasp its hideousness. Anyway...

The theme for this week was "21st Century Songs." And amazingly, there were four songs out of the ten that I had never heard. Sad, really - either for them for picking such crap songs, or me for not listening to the radio more. I am thinking it is the former....b/c my career is not on the line for listening to NPR instead of Radio Now...or Radio Saigon, or whereever the hell they got their songs!

Lisa Tucker started us off with "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. Although it was okay (and would prove to be better than a number of other performances), the song was just too big for Lisa's voice. She is sweet and lovely and is going to be in the bottom three. There is no way around it.
(After this, the order gets a bit sketchy for me...)

Ace Young sang "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Three memorable things occurred during Ace's performance. One - I about wet my pants when he said he wanted to go more "rock" with his song choice. Rock?!?!? Was he serious? If Train is rock, then Barry Manilow is punk. Whatever, Dude. Second, he showed off a creepy scar...and Paula made a wholly inappropriate comment about it. And third? He sucked monkeys. It was just bad.

Kellie Pickler...well, I effing HATE Kellie Pickler, so I am not going to say anything other than Sara Evans is a goddess. Don't freaking sing her songs...even crappy ones like that silly soap song.

Taylor Hicks is one of my favorites, vocally - but least favorites to actually have to watch. I actually get embarrassed when he is on. Plus, I think he may have some sort of disorder...I don't know what, but he needs medication for it. The manboy is strange. Overall, a great song for him. I enjoyed him just standing there and NOT dancing. But again - where the hell did that song come from?????

Mandisa. Mandisa, Mandisa, Mandisa. Girl, I love you. I love you in all your bigness and loveliness. I think you are probably the most talented performer on that stage. But, damn, please don't proselytize. Seriously. I save religion for Sundays....not for Tuesday nights. I am Methodist...we get uncomfortable when people actually "praise the Lord" out loud. It was all shouting and sequined pants...I didn't like it. And second, and you should know this by now. Dark colors on the bottom. Light colors on the top. Thanks.

Paris Bennett performed Beyonce's "Work It Out." Now let's be clear. I love this song. I bought this album. But watching Paris perform this made me feel extremely I was breaking the law...and I was going to be placed on the sex offender registry. She did a good job, I just didn't think it was appropriate. Moving on.

Bucky Covington sang some bullshit country song that I didn't know, and couldn't figure out b/c the band was too loud and his mouth was full of tabacky or something. I don't know. He needs to go.

Katharine McPhee...see above. Xtina + Fugly shirt = Bottom three. And I love her. I do. But that was one UGLY shirt.

Chris Daughtry sang something scream-y by Creed. I knew it was only a matter of time before he busted out his very best Scott Stapp impersonation. It was loud and kind of obnoxious, and I have to agree with Simon - indulgent. No self-respecting rocker would be on American Idol. They just wouldn't. Also, it now time for Chris to sing more than one note during a song....I am kind of over him. But damn if he isn't still really really hot.

And saving the best for last...

Elliott Yamin sang the theme to "One Tree Hill." Also known as that one song by Gavin DeGraw that Bo sang last year. It was a cool arrangement (even though the judges didn't really agree with that) and Elliott sang the shit out of it. His vocals are just effortless. He has awesome intonation, and a super cool vibe about it. I love him, he is my favorite. But, why oh why, American Idol stylists, did you dress him like a homeless person??? That is the last thing Yamin needs...more ugliness.

On Wednesday, Shakira shook her bon bon. And I liked it. A lot. And Lisa, Ace, and....Katharine (What the fuck? Not Bucky? You mean I have to sit through Bucky for another week????) were in the bottom three. Sexy Seacrest sent Ace back to the Woolworth Stools of Love, and left Kat and Lisa as the bottom two. Wow. The suspense nearly made me...fall asleep. Of course Lisa was going home. And she did. And I cried. As usual.

Next week - COUNTRY. Oh boy. Remind me to put "earplugs" on my shopping list.

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