Thursday, April 27, 2006

"Happy days are here again...the skies above are clear again..."

Ladies and gentlemen...let the TRUE competition begin.

It was the end of the road for Ms. Kellie Pickler last night. And the peasants rejoiced (yay).

This week's theme was not, as I first reported, "Songs by Blind People." (starring the Braillettes*). Instead it was "Songs You Fall Asleep OR Have Sex To." In other words, love songs. And honestly, it was pretty damn boring. Especially compared to last week's show of songbook standards. Only two people kept the show from being a complete snooze-fest: (1) Paula Abdul, whose crazy, crack-and- tequila-induced comments were more out of control than usual- complete with sobs of joy and declarations of love, and (2) Kat McPhee, whose mommy parts were in full force......seriously, I think I saw a nipple....and a flash of panty. It was hot.

Speaking of Kat, she started off the show with "I Have Nothing," made famous by my other favorite crack-user, Whitney Houston. Okay, here's the deal with Kat and this song. I think people were really surprised by the judges reaction to Kat's performance....and Simon did later apologize to Kat for being so hard on her....however, I totally saw where they were coming from on the song. She has an amazing voice. She has phenomenal stage presence. She does. But, she has a tendency, when she sings pop, to pull an Xtina, and manipulate her voice in such a manner that is comes off as kind of forced and scream-y...which is totally different than her vocal style when she sings standards. But, overall, I thought she did an awesome job - that is a tough freakin' song and she really pulled it off.

My boy, Elliott, was next. Yep, I am on the E-Train. He performed "A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway. Okay, I admit it...I hadn't heard this song before. But I am now awfully close to buying this album. I loved this song. I loved Elliott singing this song. I loved Elliott's outfit. (Apparently, he and Seacrest are shopping at the same stores now!) I love Elliott. Period. AND SO DID PAULA. Holy shit. She bawled like a mad woman and went on and on about how Elliott was a true American Idol. Seriously, this woman is batshit crazy. However, I totally agree with what she said. He was great. Go E! (Okay, so maybe I am a little batshit crazy, too.)

After Elliott, I think I might have fallen asleep for a minute or two. Yep, that's drool on my remote. Okay, let's see.....where are we?

I think the doomed Pickler was next...and we knew her performance was doomed for a number of reasons. One of which was her absolutely retarded (I use that word clinically) conversation with Ryan about the song she chose for this evening...."Unchained Melody." Oh holy hell. Really? The world's most boring and overrated song ever. As sung by LeAnn Rimes...good Lord...Are you trying to kill me, Kellie? So she and Ryan talk about her lack of a boyfriend to "play pottery with" like Demi Moore and Patrick "What the hell happened to his career?" Swayze in Ghost. It was painful to watch. Then, David Foster (producer/guest artist/complete assbag) asked Andrea Bocelli what color hair Kellie had. "Blonde." Oh, hahaha...that is so funny, American all are so clever with your cliche blond jokes. On to the was bad. Just awful. Coma-inducing and rather robotic. Completely uninspiring. It was so bad, that Crazy Paula couldn't even come up with anything nice to say.

Taylor, in his normal extra-tight britches and very gray hair sang "Just Once" by James Ingram. Based on David Foster's assessment, I thought I was just going to be blown away by Taylor. Yeah...notsomuch. The band was extra loud. The song was in the wrong key - it was just too low for him. And minus his trademark spaz-tacular moves and "woo! woo!"s, Taylor is just an old-looking dude in a tight suit with a decent soul voice. Aww...too bad. He even looked disappointed...throughout the entire song.

Paris decided, because she hasn't really ever felt real "love" feelings, that she would pick a song about memories. Therefore, she picked "The Way We Were" by the vocal goddess that is Barbra Streisand. This is one of my all-time very favorite means a lot to me songs, so I was rather concerned about the possible ruination of a classic ballad. And, although she hit all the right notes and technically sang it well, I just did not like it in the least. It was just too much - too much forte. Not enough piano (dynamics, not the instrument with the black and white keys)...not enough mezzo piano and mezzo forte....all very loud and shouty. This is such an emotionally mature song...once again, I think that Paris just didn't get it.

Chris closed out the show with the extra mushy, cheezy "Tell me have you ever really, really ever loved a woman" song. Vom. Seriously one of the worst songs ever written. It was what put Bryan Adams over the edge, straight into the "hack singer" category. However, Chris made it quite sexy...of course, I think Chris could make "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" sexy, but that's just my opinion. I really enjoyed his performance. There's no way he will be in the bottom three this week.

Fast forward to Wednesday night. Ryan split the performers into three groups of two: Paris and Kellie, Chris and Elliott, and Taylor and Katharine. He then told Chris and Elliott to sit down - they were safe (yay). He then told Taylor and Katharine that they had the top votes of the night. They were safe (yay again). That left only poor young, loud Paris, and poor stupid, annoying Pickler. Paris...once again safe. Pickler - get your shit, and get out.

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we gots ourselves a singin' competition! Next week, down to five. Five really great performers. If only they had announced the theme...ooh, the suspense is killing me!

Kelly P. OUT.

*Inside joke.

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