One big country cluster f*ck.

Well, I am back from Notre Dame...and all I have to say about that experience was, "Wow." My boss rocks. And so does my former civil rights prof. I have no idea how the judges are going to rule, but it could certainly go either way. They were both stellar.

Onto more important things than the rights of sex offenders...

Country music night.

Well, we all know how it came out. Mandisa and her mess of a country song left the Woolworth Stools of Love for the last time. And, although I am kind of bummed about it - because, damn, the girl can *sang* - I am not surprised. As Chuck has so eloquently stated, much of her fan base was made up of gay males who loved them some big diva singers....and she alienated the shit out of them with her lifestyle, Adam and Eve-not Adam and Steve talk. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And you know what - whoever the hell decided that she would look REALLY good in a halter style shirt with horizontal stripes? Yeah, you know who you are....shame on you!!!! No, no , no. No self-respecting "curvy" girl would wear such an outfit - and I know, as I am one. Okay, not THAT curvy ;) But still...that stylist should be fired as well.

The shocker for me (SHOCKER*) was the rest of the bottom three. Okay, I know...I might be the only one who loves Elliott, but I do so with all of my heart. He is naturally gifted and completely unassuming. And he actually did a pretty good job - even though Kenny Rogers gave him some shitty advice. And seriously, Paris? I know - some people say she "needs to go" - and that person is Charles - but I don't really think she is worse than those that were left sitting. Not at all. (ahem, Kellie Pickler, I am talking to you.)

Here's the rundown, ladies and gents...and I will try not to screw up the song titles, but honestly, for most of them, I had to look 'em up b/c, like Simon, I don't really like country.

Taylor started us of with a very twitchy and slightly crappy version of John Denver's "Country Roads, Take Me Home." Okay, I knew this song. I love this song. And Taylor ruined this song. It was garbled and out of tune. Was I the only one that thought he should have sung (sang?) "The Gambler"??? Come on. Taylor is well on his way to looking like Kenny Rogers looked at about the time Kenny sang that song....although it is really hard to remember what Kenny Rogers looked like at all looking at the bizarrre half man/half action figure that was the guest artist Tuesday night. WTF???? There's someone else that needs to be fired - that guy's plastic surgeon. Holy shit.

Next. Mandisa. Yeah, country is not really her thing. And why would she pick such a tough song. It really is tough - too many words...and really - it was a bad idea for her to pick a song by someone with the greatest abs known to womankind. I hated it. Couldn't she have done a power ballad by Martina or something? Anything?

Elliott sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks. Another song that I know and love. And he really did a solid job, considering this is NOT his genre. But of course, Kenny "He-Man" Rogers had to go and fuck him up by telling him to not do so many "runs" and stuff. I hate unnecessary runs as much as the next person, but Elliott uses them in such a way that they are musical and expressive, not like over the top Xtina kinds of runs. So basically....Kenny musically castrated poor Elliott. He just cut off his balls and let him hang in the wind with a microphone and a really scared look on his face. Nice job, Man-who-supposedly-is-Kenny-Rogers.

Paris sang "How Do I Live?"...oh, wait. No. That wasn't the title. Apparently, Paris thought the title was "How Do I Leeeeeeeve?" Well, sweetie, you'll leeeeve by singing a LeAnn Rimes and looking pretty pissed to have to do so. She was not comfortable up there in her John Travolta Urban Cowboy outfit. And the judges (and the audience) could tell.

Ace was up next with a whiny version of "Wind Beneath My Wings"....damn, I didn't know Bette had gone country! I later learned it was not Bette, but a Keith Urban song. (Sounded the same.) By the time he got done, I really wished it had been "Wind Beneath My Wings."
"Did you ever know that you're (breath) ashittysingerwhoisonlygettingbyonhisgoodlooksandthevotesofprepubescentgirls?"
I guess not. Sucked. Hated it again. And he has taken the camera sex up a notch...I can't take it.

Effin' Pickler was up next. And for her little pow wow with Ryan, they discussed the rumors that her dumbassy persona was an act. She swore it wasn't, and to punctuate the point, she pointed out to the viewing audience that "salmon" did in fact have an "l" in it.

Really? No shit.

I will never get those 30 seconds back, will I?

She decided to grace us with her version of Reba's "Fancy." And damnit, it was okay. But it had better been okay, right? Because SHE IS A COUNTRY SINGER. Right? Yeah, she has only been shouting that from the rooftops every week. Got it. You are a country singer. And you proved this week that, if necessary, you could pull a weekly gig at Bob's Country Bunker. Congrats.

Chris sang another Keith Urban song...and it was pretty...and boring. But it was nice to hear he can do something other than Live/Creed/Nickelback and that his non-screamy voice is quite pretty. I would like to hear it more. And yep - he's still freakin' hot.

Kat McPhee performed Faith Hill's "You Bring Out the Elvis In Me." Is that really a song???? I just thought she made up some shit as she went along because I couldn't really find a melody and I didn't much care for the lyrics, nor did I really understand them and her sexy dance just didn't cut it for me. See - that was a performance that needed to be in the bottom three. I hated it.

Finally, Bucky. Bucky "did his thing." He did. I enjoyed it. And I can't believe I just wrote that. *sigh* He did. Although I didn't realize that his song was actually a country song - I thought it was, like, Vertical Horizon or something. It was enjoyable and (gulp) he looked kinda cute in the cowboy hat...that is, with his mouth closed, of course, b/c those teeth are rough. I can only handle so much bad teeth, and Elliott almost puts me over the dentistry edge as it is. All I can say about Bucky is...well played, my boy. Well played.

Wednesday night....bottom three: Mandisa, Elliott, Paris.

That's it. I have to start voting.

Ryan sent Paris back (to the Woolworth Stools of Love) and left Mandisa and Elliott together. Okay, I am sorry to state the obvious, but wow. Mandisa made Elliott look like Frodo the Hobbit. Poor thing.

Anyway - Mandisa got the lowest number of votes and she has to pack her bags.......full of halter tops and light colored sequined jeans and horizontal stripes and homophobic slogans emblazoned on picket signs and WWJD tee shirts and Bibles.

Next week - the music of Queen. Stop laughing. I am dead serious. This is one of my all-time favorite bands - I wouldn't joke about such things. Kellie Pickler is going to perform her bastardized version of "Tie Your Mother Down" or "Radio Ga Ga" or even worse, "Bohemian Rhapsody." I am sure that Freddie Mercury is shitting his grave. So sad.

*For Chuck, Amanda, and Kel.