So. Not. Impressed.

With this week's AI. Admittedly, I missed most of the first half...which was when the true crap was slung by the performers...but I was lucky enough to jump in during Taylor's performance of "Play that Funky Music, White Boy." Taylor (and his eye-gouge inducing shirt) worked the audience into a state of mass hysteria during this song, which to me (and Simon) was like watching my cousin Bruce's drunken version of "Sweet Caroline" which he sang at his wedding: slightly painful, yet completely adorable. It was alright for me, Dawg...

During the commercial, I learned from Mr. P. that Chris' performance of "Renegade" was the best of the first half, that Kat totally McButchered Phil Collins' "Against All Odds," that Paris's rendition of "Kiss" was embarrassing to watch and reminded him of how old he was, and that a Mack truck could have driven through Elliott's vibrato during "On Broadway." Hmmm...not a very good start to the evening.

On to the second half - Billboard Top Ten...but apparently, there are about 729 Billboard Top Tens, so this really wasn't much of a restriction.

Elliott started us off with "Home" by Michael Buble. Now I totally dig Michael Buble, and I am on the E-Train all the way, so I really enjoyed this. I have heard others complain that it was boring...but I don't really think Elliott's draw is his big, vibrant personality...but his voice. And his voice was lovely. Mr. P., however, said it sounded "white trash," which, to this day, I have no idea what it means...maybe someone can clue me in. I loved it...Paula loved it...Randy said some shit about a dawg with a "yo" thrown in there for good measure, and Simon snarked on the lyrics about "going home." Well. Thank you, Simon. I am sure that was quite helpful for ol' Elliott.

Next up - Katharine....on her knees....with two guys beating on box drums. She sang "Black Horse and Cherry Tree"....this whole thing was just bizarre and distracting and ever so pornographic with the writhing and sliding and shit. But luckily (or not so luckily depending on the viewer), she kept all her clothes on. Overall- Vocals: great. Staging: completely ridiculous crap.

Paris decided to take a risk and go with a Mary J. Blige song...while wearing what appears to be "I Dream of Jeannie" bottoms and a standard military issue cropped jacket. It appears that Paris was having a LITTLE too much fun with her Fashion Plates before she got ready for the show. (Did anyone else play with Fashion Plates - you know, the little plastic tiles that had different parts of outfits on them and the you put them together and put paper over it and used colored pencils to color over them to create a picture???? Just me? It might have been the Poor Man's Paper Dolls or something, I don't know...but I freakin' LOVED 'em.) Anyway, I thought that, besides the outfit and the Tootie Ramsey hair, she did an excellent job. She pulled out some tough vocals - singing a Mary J song is never easy - and had a good time with it. However, she is destined to be gone....she has spent waaay too much time with Ryan over the past couple weeks. Au revoir, Paris!

Ooh, Chris is up now...you know how I know? Flames. The set always goes up in flames whenever Chris hits the stage. Overkill? Probably. Is he still all hot and cuffed in leather purchased at Hot Topic? Certainly. Is he probably going to sing a Fuel/Nickelback/Creed song? Most definitely. Now I had never even heard this song...nor had I heard of the band. I think I have been spending too much time with my books on tape. But, regardless of my cluelessness, it was apparent to me (and the judges) that Chris' singing (or the vocalist's techinical term: screaming his mother f*cking ass off) is doing some serious damage to his cords...his veins are popping out of his neck, for God's sake! He might want to think about SINGING a song next week...that might help.

Finally, Taylor closed the show with a Beatles song. Wha?!?! I'm sorry, the effing Beatles? Now Taylor, you already did a song for the year you were born, you don't get to do another one! What Billboard chart are we talking about? Oh, the re-issue chart. Very sneaky, Taylor...and very good. I love when Taylor just sings...he really does have an amazing voice and a true sense of musicality...even though I wonder if all his synapses are firing. Seriously. Here's my imitation of Taylor: "Woo!" "Soul patrol!" "Woo!"

Vom.

Well, as predicted, Wednesday came along and it was goodbye to Paris. No one was surprised by this, except maybe Elliott who looked as though he might throw up on the spot. Next week...a trip to Graceland and a workshop with none other than......Tommy Mottola. What the f*ck does Tommy Mottola have to do with Graceland? Now if they were doing old Mariah Carey songs, it would make sense. Hopefully, next week, Ryan will connect those dots for me. Until then....

Kelly P. OUT.