Friday, February 18, 2005

Law School/Confidence/Fears

I am afraid of letting my husband down...

I am afraid of not "cutting it" as a lawyer...

I am afraid of failing class. The bar. Can you fail the bar review?

It is amazing how law school can make you feel so good about yourself on somedays and then on others, the experiences brings to the surface every insecurity you have ever had. When I started law school, I was confident that I was a relatively intelligent person and that I was relatively personable....and I was married, so who cared what I looked like?

Then, as soon as I walked through the big glass doors, that confidence drained right out of me. I found I was incapable stringing words together coherently. I was completely illiterate...I had to carry a damn dictionary around with me everywhere I went. And I couldn't walk down a flight of steps without falling.

And, all of sudden, I cared whether the my purse and shoes matched - WTF???? First year, I was the queen of jeans, a long sleeved T and a short sleeved T with some B'way show, University Singers emblem, or school mascot emblazoned across the front - this was nicknamed the Kelly P. uniform by H...and she was right. It was my uniform, my comfort zone. I figured the more I layered, the less people could see of me.

This all changed after my first year of law school.

I decided that if I was going to have to grow up, I might as well dress like a grown up. No more Kelly P. uniform, except on days when I just can't handle putting an outfit together. I found out that clothes came in other colors besides black! I branched out and bought green and pink, and learned from Adriane that a kickass handbag makes all the difference.

I also found my voice again. Literally and figuratively. My experience in moot court made the Socratic method less miserable. I found that I could handle being drilled by a professor, and that it was okay to disagree with the professor, and it was even volunteer in class! *Gasp* I also realized that professors are people. Engaging, fun, kind (even hilarious!) people with interests other than case law and lectures. I began to involve myself in events and activities that were important to me (and not just my resume) - like "The Vagina Monologues." I also participated in the below-mentioned Law Revue talent show and started performing again! I was fortunate and so blessed to be asked to sing in my friend Amanda's wedding. (That experience was a highlight of my law school years.) And, hell, I even did kareoke once or twice!

Law school has helped me to find 'me' again - the 'me' that rejoices in many many things that I forgot I cared about: good girlfriends, great wine, interesting books, and fabulous music. The 'me' that gets a tattoo! The 'me' that cares about the First Amendment, gay rights, and the the rights of women to choose. The 'me' that is proud of her curvy, sexy body - societal norms, be damned!

I STILL can't walk down a flight of stairs without falling on my amount of education can help that!

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