Ho Ho Ho.

No, this is not a post about Brit Brit and her labia majora....although certainly numerous posts could be devoted to such a topic...

Instead, I am just thinking about how much I love this time of year. I really do. It's rather childish, but I don't care. I love me some Christmas. I love Christmas lights and wrapping gifts and Barenaked Ladies' Christmas CD and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and White Christmas. Love it, love it love it.

I also love the firm "Holiday Gathering," as it is called. I am blessed in that I actually enjoy the company of the people I work with - as such, I am really looking forward to this Saturday's annual open bar/bad DJ/be-nice-to-partners'-wives fest held at the local country club.

In other news...
Did anyone else who watched GG last night think that Luke could have completely kicked the shit out of Christopher???? Yep, me too. Scott Patterson is one whole hunk of a man and David Sutcliffe? Yeah, notsomuch. Along those same lines...Luke needs to keep the ball cap on...wow. SP's forehead has turned into an eighthead. Very sad.

"“I wnt 2 dvrce u.”

My favorite lady lawyers and I were debating the trashiness of Britney Spears (Hence, the title of this post...which is what Brit Brit sent to K-Fed, letting him know of her interest in dissolution).

Here are my thoughts, posted on Amanda's blog. Seriously, the girl is a mess.

Randomness.

Watched my first episode of "Veronica Mars"....love, love, loved it. The title character, and the acturess, Kristen Bell, who plays her, completely remind me of my girl, Lawren.

Am completely hooked on "Friday Night Lights" - it could just be Kyle Chandler's lovely locks...and his legs in a pair of shorts, I don't know, but I do know that an overwhelming sense of sadness washes over me when it ends.

What the eff is up with "aerie tuesday" on the CW during "Gilmore Girls"? Not only did I not enjoy last night's episode, I really didn't like these silly nitwit girls fake-discussing the show afterwards!

Excerpt from yesterday's email to Amanda....and yes, I am still sore.

Ugh. So, I have decided that karma is real and it bit me in the ass today. J [names changed to protect the newly-shorn] got the world's worst haircut yesterday, came into my office and I literally laughed in his face...uncontrollably. It was and is bad. Like, I guess his mom (yeah, mom cuts his hair) effed it up and the only way to fix it was to buzz it. Yeah....all gone. Bad. Really bad. Anyway, here's where karma comes in. I made fun of him all day - I called him a cancer patient (awful), a prison inmate (also awful), and a Buddhist monk (okay, that was pretty accurate)....and then later, when I walked across the street to get coffee, I did a typical Kelly P. maneuver and went ass over tea kettle in front of our building. (shoe caught in pant cuff...yep.) I am still hurting.

Damn karma.

Anyone surprised by this supreme act of klutziness?? Anyone? Bueller?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!

DEFENSE VERDICT!!!!!!*




*Yeah, we represented the defendant...in case you couldn't tell.

Damn you, DV-R!

I don't normally curse at my DV-R...I LOVE my DV-R most days. Except for last night. I had taped Gilmore Girls b/c I knew I wouldn't be home in time to watch...So at 10 pm, I settled in for some good GG time. And while I am not completely thrilled with the storylines or the writing right now (just not as sharp as it used to be be - I miss you Amy Sherman-Palladino!), I was getting into it...enjoying Lane & Zach...and loving Rory's struggle with IM sex talk....and most importantly, trying to follow Lorelai through her very difficult Luke/Christopher decision. Anyway - very last scene of the show, Lorelai picks up the phone, and ............and.....???

"Delete this Selection"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

My DV-R cut off the end of the freakin' show.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHO DID SHE CALL? Did she call anyone?

Was she just calling Al's Pancake House? Or Sookie?

For the love of God, someone hook me up.

End of Summer Song...

Amanda's end of summer photo montage reminded me of a song from my CD du jour:

















The song? "Photograph":

Her name was written on the photograph,
right next to her red, sunburnt face,
it all had happened in that long tall grass,
about a mile from her old place,
I can't remember how it started
and if it lasted that day in the sun.

We said that we were going to study hard,
we held our books instead of hands,
she held a blanket over cans of beer,
I can't deny I was so full of fear.
It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.
and it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now,

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
when I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

And there's the first time that I tried that stuff,
I think I look a little green,
I remember throwing up behind a bush,
and I found it hard to use my feet,
and who's that easily led little boy who's really off his head?

It was the same night that I kissed that girl,
the tall one with the auburn hair,
I remember laughing coz to kiss me,
she had to sit down on a chair!
she tasted like the schnapps she'd drunk,
and the cigarette she'd stolen from her mum.
And it's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

Dancin', dancin', dancin'....

Ahhhh...yes! The new season of "Dancing with the Stars" is up and running. Tucker Carlson is gone (thank the Lord - he makes me ill), and once poor Jerry Springer goes.....okay, and Harry Hamlin....we will have ourselves a competition. Looks to be a great season.

Early favorites:
(1) My boy Emmitt Smith - that boy can dance! (And no one's hotter than that Cheryl Burke.)
(2) Joey Lawrence....wow (or WHOA.)
(3) Monique Coleman (only b/c I LOVE Louis van Amstel.)

Anyone else watching??

Laughter, Pride, and Honor.

Sunday night, during the Colts-Patriots game, John Madden used the word "cankles" - as in your calves running right into your ankles. Awesome. Loved it.

*******

I want to thank Amanda, Heidi, and Lori, along with some of my non-law school friends who sponsored my participation in the local AIDS Walk and Festival. It was an amazing experience for me. I was having a morning of self-pity, and taking part in such an event helped give me some much needed perspective. All people, black and white, gay and straight, together - working and walking toward a common goal. A perfect way to spent a Sunday afternoon.

*******

I can't believe it's been 5 years since 9-11. I still remember standing in front of my sixth graders, teaching language arts, when my mentor teacher called me into the hall to tell me that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. At that point, she then sent me back into the room stating that I was not to inform any of the students as to what was going on (did I really know, anyway?), as we didn't want to upset them. I went back into my classroom with my bravest, strongest (I thought) teacher face, and took my kids through some sentence diagramming. She again arrived at my classroom and pulled me out to inform me that another plane had done the same thing. Again - brave, strong teacher face. Luckily, after language arts was "specials" - I believe they had P.E. that day....I took that time to watch the television set up in the break room.

Everyone had the same idea...everyone was squeezed in the teacher's lounge watching the tv that had been rolled in for this reason. Our principal made the decision that none of the teachers were to tell their students what had occurred until after lunch, as he didn't want the kids discussing it at that time. So, I did as told and I picked my students up from specials and walked them to the lunchroom. I then rejoined my fellow teachers in the lounge.

After lunch, I picked my students up from the classroom and rather than having them "run around the rock" and D.E.A.R. (exercise...and reading), I told them we were going to have a class meeting in our classroom library. My classroom library was in its own little section of the room with big pillows and bean bag chairs - very cozy. So we sat on the floor with bean bags and pillows, and I proceeded to explain to the kids...as well I could manage...what had occurred that morning.

Interestingly, one of the concerns that the other teachers had was, how to handle the students' likely response of- let's fight back...let's do the same thing to them...revenge.....but, guess what? At least for my awesome (they really were awesome) students, that was never an issue. It wasn't - what are we going to do to the terrorists - but - what are we going to do to help everyone in NYC? I was moved, and in complete awe of these 12 year olds. I put the question to them - what did they want to do to help? Among themselves, they decided that they wanted to write letters. To whom? I asked. To kids. What kids? A student asked, aren't there schools in that area? I thought so - but I put them to the task of finding out. One student jumped on the Internet and found some elementary schools in Lower Manhattan - we noted their address and principals' names, and spent the afternoon writing letters to the students directly affected by the terrible tragedy that had befallen them.

For all their fear and confusion and sadness, my students' first concern was - how can we help? To this day, I am honored that I was a part of these brilliant and charming kids' lives during that time. Remembering that helps me to deal with the insanity the world can sometimes throw my way.

Love to DHS Class of 2008.

You're so money and you don't even know it.

So in the past couple weeks I have seen three movies that I have been meaning to see for... about 10 years:
(1) Swingers (1996)...hence the title...
(2) Hope Floats (1998)...and
(3) Reality Bites (1994)


My thoughts...

First off, holy shit. What the hell happened to Jon Favreau? He is a little shrimp of a guy in Swingers. Same with Vince Vaughn. And I think that Vince has either had some voice lessons or has gone through puberty or something. His voice is completely different. That's craziness right there. But, overall, a very entertaining film. I really liked it. And I now know why one of the guys I work with always describes things and people as being "money."

As for Hope Floats, I had seen parts of this film, but had never seen it all the way through. I will admit that I needed at least one box of Kleenex...maybe two...in order to get through the damn thing. I loved it. Sandra Bullock movies are one of my guilty pleasures (along with Magnum P.I. reruns and Grease 2), and this one didn't let me down. Loved it. Loved Gina Rowlands and mostly, loved Harry Connick, Jr. Yummy.

Finally, I found myself really relating to Reality Bites even though those people are more of my brother's generation than mine. I think, technically, I am a "Gen X-er" but on the very tail end of the generation. But I loved the baby doll dresses, and flannels, and mary jane shoes and the whole thing. Very much the way I was in high school. I was a bit disturbed, however, by the fact that I rooted for Ben Stiller's character over Ethan Hawke's character...what does that say about me? Apparently...I am a square. Sad, but true.

So, based on the the time it took me to see these films, I figure, at this rate, I will see Talladega Nights in 2012.

This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.

So, on Tuesday, I played golf................



Yeah, I'm just gonna let that one sink in a little.

"It's a great day to be alive...."*

Good morning, all...

Just thought I would share the wonderful news - he did it! He went through with it. My eternally-bachelored brother is officially hitched! Yay!

It was a beautiful beach wedding...a breathtakingly lovely bride... close friends and family... great music and touching vows. I couldn't possibly be more happy for K&K2.

On another note, I spent the time between the wedding breakfast and dinner hanging out with some of K's friends, two of whom I have known since I was in sixth grade. Their fondest memory of me? My unhealthy obsession with New Kids on the Block. Awesome. We all started out by the hotel pool, drinking Coronas, lovingly purchased, iced down, and delivered to the pool by my father....who rocks. Duh. Deciding we were hungry...and needing more beer...we headed to the local Hooters....where, interestingly, I saw no hooters. Seriously. I saw skinny biznatches in shiny pantyhose and orange polyester shorts...but no hooters. WTF? Aside from this fact, we had a great time swapping stories about my brother and his infamously crazy ex-girlfriends. So fun.

Thank you, K&K2, for allowing me to share this most important occasion with you.

*My bro "Pied Piper"-ed everyone to their spot on the beach by singing and playing this song as we all followed behind him. It was a perfect way to start the ceremony.

Summer TV Fun....

Normally the words "fun" and "summer" do not go hand-in-hand when discussing what's on television. It's all reruns and recaps and bad reality TV. However, I have to admit that I have become addicted to a couple shows and some really colorful TV personalities...

#1 - Dog, the Bounty Hunter (A&E). Are you kidding me? This could possibly be the greatest show ever. It's set in Hawaii...the Dog has a kickass mullet...his wife has the largest (real) breasts I have ever seen...they track down and take down "tweeks" - crackheads...and then....they pray about it. Stop it. It rocks. I actually got all weepy during the episode where Dog and his wife, Beth, finally got married. It was just lovely.

#2 - Most anything on the Food Network. It could because I am on Weight Watchers, but I have suddenly become obsessed with food. My two favorites right now, Paula Deen's show - yummy, yummy - and ANYTHING with Alton Brown...love him! His show, Feasting on Asphalt is great....Has anyone seen this? He and his adorable self travel across the country on a BMW motorcycle eating "road food" (not to be confused with road head...wait, did I just say that?) at local restaurants. They stopped some place in Evansville and ate brain sandwiches...it was nasty....don't think I will be eating in Evansville anytime soon....

#3 - Take Home Chef (TLC, I think). To go along with that food thing....an adorable Australian chef named Curtis picks people up in grocery stores and buys them groceries then goes home and cooks this gourmet meal for the shopper and his/her family. Excellent. (And he's just plain hot. He can pick me up any day.)

#4 - The 4400 (USA Network). This has been Mr. P and my summer TV staple since it started, what, three or four years ago. Great show...kind of a Lost meets SciFi Network crossed with Passion of the Christ. Love it.

#4 - Monk (USA Network). Monk and I go back and forth. Loved it when it first came out. Then when Sharona left the show, I was sad and stopped watching. Now I absolutely love Traylor Howard's character, Natalie....she and Monk are perfect together. And Tony Shalhoub is truly a brilliant actor. Funny stuff - great story lines...Monk as Assistant Girls Basketball Coach, Monk at his 25th College Reunion, and Monk in the midst of a sanitation worker strike. Hilarious.

There you go - it's no Real World Whereever They Are Now or Paris and Nicole: Bulimia Buddies Forever or anything, but it's some good stuff all the same.

What's everyone else watching????

What I'm Reading

I just started Little Children by Tom Perrotta. Perrotta also wrote Joe College and Election (the movie with Reese Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick) .

So far, it rocks. Granted, I am only a chapter or two in. But it is as satisfying as I thought it would be when I purchased it.

Here's the review from The New Yorker:
The eponymous children in this satirical novel are actually adults who, chafing at the burdens of parenthood, try to re-create their unencumbered youth. Sarah, an overeducated young homemaker, likens her tantrum-prone daughter to a “brooding Russian epileptic” out of Dostoevsky, and pines for lost college days of feminism and bisexuality. While her husband orders used panties online, she has furtive sex with a stay-at-home dad whose repeated failure to pass the bar has earned him the contempt of his gorgeous wife.

The humor is sometimes cruel, but Perrotta never betrays the complexity of his characters. For all Sarah’s sins—neglecting her child, wallowing in romantic delusions—there’s something almost brave about her refusal to join the supermoms drilling their toddlers with dreams of Harvard, and about her yearning for more than “a painfully ordinary life.”

I will give you my final "thumbs up or down" once I'm done...I'm pretty sure it's going to be an "up." Robin, I guess that means you need to avoid it like the plague. ;)

N'Sync's Lance Bass announces he's gay!

*cricket, cricket*

"I wanna C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R...."

Last week, my husband bought a Harley-Davidson Road King....

And the forecast for the weekend looks absolutely perfect for a ride.

WOO HOO!

(Don't worry, Mom - we both wear helmets.)

"We're all in this together..."

I really, really love the Disney movie, High School Musical.

I am currently listening to the soundtrack as I draft a confidential mediation statement.

Last night, I had a dream I was part of the cast, but was struggling to learn the choreography.




I think I may have a problem.....

Friday Night Fun with Chuck

"Keep your focusssss...." (during Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit...or the game Mr. P called "Mary Mary F*ck Stick" for some reason)

"Hey, Carol......Hey, Mary....." (to every person that walked by our table at dinner.)

"Let me tell you about my friend, Trannsy...." (a story about his imaginary transsexual buddy)

"I'd be glad to get a table...if I had a door." (Bitchin' about his seat in our Jeep....okay, I'd bitch too....he sat in the back...where the dogs normally sit.)

"It costs $24.88." (The game actually cost $34.88...but that's what Marilyn gets for not sending another employee to do a price check.)

Favorite visual of the evening....Kelly, sitting cross-legged on the ground in the middle of the store with a huge bottle of tequila in her lap. Ahhh....good times.

Love to you all - thanks for making the trip!!!!

"Looking In the Eyes of Love"

That's the title of an Alison Krauss and Union Station song. I am singing it as part of my brother's impending nuptuals.

Why am I blogging about this? Because it's a big deal.

Why?

Because my brother, K, is getting married. That's a big deal.

Big. Huge. Here's why...

My brother has been engaged two other times, but he just couldn't seem to get it done. This record has basically become a sort of punchline in our house (along with his extreme dislike for eggs...this also always gets a laugh for some reason). Our family was actully quite pleased by his unwillingness to commit...okay, at least I was. I disliked both of his former fiances immensely.

He then swore off the entire institution of marriage...along with Christianity, apparently. I think he is Buddhist now, I am not sure. But what I am sure of is, for a long time, K touted that marriage was not for him. And that no woman could change his feelings on the matter. My mom wept, knowing that neither one of her kids would produce grandchildren any time soon...or at all, in the case of K. I kept my eye out, hoping to find that perfect person to make him happy, and to maybe...just maybe, change his mind. And my family became resigned to the fact that K would remain alone...in his little Oak Park apartment with little to no furniture and a ton of books....highly successful in his work, busy with his many hobbies (mountain climbing, music, canoeing, kayaking, martial arts, etc etc etc), but yet, still alone.

How wrong we all were.

And for once, I was thrilled to be wrong.

At the beginning of this year, K began talking about this woman...this AMAZING woman, also "K." (Let's call her K2 to avoid confusion!) To my family, this was a good sign, considering my husband and I are "K"s, my brother's a "K" and my mom's name is, in fact, "Kay." Of course, K2 shared her name with my parents' schnauzer, which is a bit unfortunate...but still, my mother took it as a sign. It seems that K has known K2 for years and years as she managed his favorite coffee shop in Chicago...they kept in touch by email - even while they both dated other people. At some point, K & K2 decided to go on a "date"....at this same coffee shop. And the rest, as they say, is history. He's in love. I have never seen K so happy....and comfortable with himself and his relationship with K2.

And what do I think of K2? She is, in fact, amazing. She's funny, smart as hell, down to earth, and she keeps K in check. She's not afraid to speak her own mind and challenges K when the need arises...someone has to when I'm not around, right?! The best part, she makes K smile....and show his teeth while doing so (also a big step for him).

They set the date - August 19, 2006, in Fort Myers Beach, Florida. This seemed to be set awfully soon, but as K said, and to paraphrase one of his favorite movies and mine, When Harry Met Sally..., "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible..." It will be non-traditional - no attendants, no minister....no shoes. Just a notary (re)public (as K says), a beach, a mandolin player, and close friends and family. Which is perfect, because my brother is as non-traditional as they come.

Oh, yeah - and after the ceremony, rather than a reception, K2's family is hosting a breakfast.

I wonder if they are planning to serve eggs ;)

Morning funny...

"Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word constitution and adding the word shmonstitution to the end of it."

--Jon Stewart

(Hot AND funny as hell...a seriously lethal combination)

That certainly won't keep the doctor away....

Email from me to Mr. P:

You know you are having a rough day when you go down to the cafeteria to buy an apple...and then when you get back upstairs you realize that you bought a wax display apple....but you only realize it when you try to bite into it....

fuck.
(i'm still hungry, too.)

It's true. I bought an effing wax apple. I suck. And the cashier let me. She sucks more.

That very fun movie meme going around....

Both Brian and Heidi had this over at their blogs, and I thought it quite fun...so I thought I would join in. I am a movie quote nerd, so this meme is right up my alley. Let ye be warned, however, my taste in movies is rather schizophrenic.

The Rules:

A. Pick 11 of your favorite movies.
B. Then pick one of your favorite quotes from each movie.
C. Post the quotes on your blog.
D. Have commenters guess what the movie is.
E. Either strike out the quote once it has been correctly identified or place the guesser’s user name directly after the quote.
F. Extra points for knowing the actor or character’s name

Here we go...

1. "Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away? " Let me just say, right off the bat, that I am truly impressed with Amanda's knowledge of my movies. She got this one!

High Fidelity with Kelly's favorite - John Cusack. Said by "Barry," played brilliantly by Jack Black.

2. "And Master, sir, do not forget to specify, when time and place shall assert, that I am an ass."
Nice job, Lawren!

Much Ado About Nothing, said by "Dogberry," played by Michael Keaton.

3. "That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident."
Ow, ow - way to go, Chuck!

American Beauty, said by "Lester Burnham," played by my favorite, Kevin Spacey, about his wife, played by Annette Bening.
(Charles - if you don't get #2 and/or #8, I will be sorely disappointed!)

4. "Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I'm in a police station."
thenambypamby rocks - answering the movie/character/actor. Woo hoo!

The Usual Suspects, said by "Verbal Kint/ Keyser Soze," played by Kevin Spacey...for which he earned his first Oscar - Best Supporting Actor.

5. "Oh who cares? That guy doesn't matter now! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour! The police will be here by then and there are TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE STUDY!"
Amanda again:

Clue the Movie, said by "Mrs. Peacock," played by Eileen Brennan.

6. "Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!"
Gonna have to give this one to Kelly, as she chimed in first:

The Breakfast Club, said by "John Bender," played gorgeously by Judd Nelson.

7. "You'll be one of those grumpy old men sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe, mumbling to yourself, "My ass is twitching. Your people make my ass twitch."
Amanda once again! (I actually forced her to watch this one day - so I was hoping she would get it!):

French Kiss, said by "Kate," played by Meg Ryan

8. "What do they think I am? Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than - than - than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"

Hint: There is a song with the same title as the movie. The lead actor has the exact same name as me...sort of ;) It is a classic, filmed in 1952...and is my probably my all-time favorite film. Here's another quote:

"Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all. "

Way to go, Gary!
Singin' in the Rain:
The first quote said by "Lina Lamont," played by Jean Hagen; the second by "Cosmo Brown," played by Donald O' Connor.

(Gene Kelly = Kelly Jean....get it?!)


9. "Sophomore dies in kiln explosion? Oh My God! I just talked to her last week... She was going to make a pot for me."
YAY for Lawren!

Animal House, said by "Otter," played by Tim Matheson....discussing the infamous "Fawn Leibowitz, from Fort Wayne, Indiana"

10. "Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit [shouts] don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!"
Although she hasn't seen it, Robin guessed correctly! (Robin, sweetie, you must see this movie!)

The Big Lebowski, said by "Walter," played (in his best role ever) by John Goodman

11. "Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there."

Hint: The lead character also played characters named Arnold Babar, Dr. RosenRosen, Harry Truman (not the president), Ted Nugent (not the musician)and Mr. Poon...all in this movie.....and he loves the Lakers. Another famous quote:

"I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please. "

Nice job, Brian - even though it took a couple extra hints!
Fletch, said by "Irwin M. Fletcher"...or "Fletch F. Fletch"...or "Dr. RosenPenis...," played by Chevy Chase. Freakin' hilarious.

If you don't know for sure - that's okay...just take a guess!
Good luck, folks!!!!!!

What lawyers discuss after they have concluded the academic debate of thongs vs granny undies....

One of many intelligent email discussions between lovely lady lawyers, A, T, KS & KP:

T: I just love that A emailed all of us to tell her about her smooth a$$ in her granny panty undies. Classic.

KP: Because that is certainly what I wanted to read about while writing my reply memorandum to our MSJ...a smooth butt goes well with a claim for violation of riparian rights :)

A: Riparian is such a sexual word.

KP: God, I wish it were....it's so not. It's two people bitching about boat docks. Not sexy in the least.

KS: It is if I ask you in a sexy voice whether you'd like to dock your boat in my...dock

KP: Ummm...it would have been sexy had you not used the same word twice.... How 'bout "pull your boat into my dock"????


Yep. Riparian rights, boat docks, and sex. Good times.

I beg to differ.

Amanda thinks she has on the most adorable shoes today. I disagree...check 'em out. Are they office appropriate? Well, to me, they are! Besides, no one sees my feet anyway- I sit behind a desk all day!

Matt Lauer & Britney Spears...seriously, y'all!

E.Spat discussed this a bit, and I HAD to second her emotion. Whoa.

If ever Brit needed the opportunity for a sort of image makeover, this would have been the perfect time. New hair, new look, no chewing gum, that kind of thing....but no. It was typical Britney, full of "y'all"s and "We're country" and bad extensions and Bubble Yum and the need for a root job and new mascara (and possibly a bath) as well as a see-through shirt and pink bra and pregnant belly and denim micro mini-skirt and flipflops.

And, honestly, I was sad for her. Not just for not having the decency to kick K.Fed. to the curb, but for being seemingly overwhelmed with the responsibilities she now has as a new wife and mother....and for having the stalkerazzi catch every oops and slipup that all new wives and mothers experience....

However, my sadness slowly dissipated with every air quote that Brit used as the interview progressed. It was bad. At first, I counted the air quotes...I think I had gotten to about 6 or 7 in the first half hour, but then I gave up....as I was completely dumbfounded by her inability to answer Lauer's questions - not for avoidance's sake, but instead, apparently without the ability to formulate coherent and cogent responses...she would start off okay, but then ramble off into an oblivion. Yikes.

My suggestion for Brit - beyond the obvious wardrobe and divorce lawyer consults, of course, would be- read a few books....maybe take some classes at the local community college...something - anything! A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste - and hers seems to be moving closer and closer to the trash can.

Step it up, Brit - you can do better! If not for you, then for Sean P. and Baby #2....they certainly aren't going to get it from their father!

Insert Jimmy Buffett lyric here.

Sorry, dear readers, for not posting in a while. I just got back from a wonderful vacay and am swamped at work, playing catch up. My hubby, Mr. P. and I, went to lovely southwest Florida and stayed at this fantastic resort, just north of Naples (or as my hubby called it all week - Nipples.) We had an amazing time - ate, drank, parasailed, jet skied, drank, shopped, ate, and spent a lot of time just being beach bums. Let me put it this way, I read about 7 books while there. We had to go to Barnes & Noble TWICE so I could buy more books.

It was truly heaven - me, a beach chair, the Gulf of Mexico, a cute Beach Butler bringing me pina coladas, my hubby, and my books. AWESOME.

Oh - and speaking of books - Robin, listen up - I read THE BEST book while there. It is called Stupid-------> and Contagious by Caprice Crane. Read about it here. I plan to post more about it once I have the book in front of me, but needless to say, I literally laughed out loud on more than one occasion. I think the people around me (including Mr. P.) thought I was nuts.

So, that's that. I'm back. More on books, law life, and general gabbery to come!

Bizarre Celebrity Crushes

This was the topic of today's lunch conversation. It started off by way of comparing Dr. Derek Shepherd aka Dr. McDreamy of Grey's Anatomy to Matthew Fox's character on Lost (I don't watch - so I don't know his name..."Charlie" from Party of Five...that guy), and who I liked better. Of course, being that I don't watch Lost, I said McDreamy.

Then I said that I liked Dr. Gregory House better than both of them. One of my lunch companions had never seen House M.D., so he did not know who Hugh Laurie was. My other lunch companion commented that my celebrity crushes are rather odd and tend to "run the gamut." I agreed with him wholeheartedly. I have BIZARRE celebrity crushes.

Exhibit A - My top three bizarre celebrity crushes in no particular order:

(1) Richard Schiff: "Toby Zeigler," The West Wing (If you read my blog - if you have EVER read my blog- you will know that I am a huge Toby fan...it's that whole tortured soul thing. I can't help it.)

(2) Hugh Laurie: "Dr. Gregory House," House M.D. (Love him...love the scruff, love the eyes, love the biting sarcasm. Plus, its that whole tortured soul thing. I can't help it.)

(3) Alan Rickman - in most anything he has ever done: Dogma, Harry Potter series, Truly, Madly, Deeply, and most importantly, Sense & Sensibility. (I think it's the voice...or in the case of Colonel Brandon, Rickman's character in S&S, the whole tortured soul thing again....)

Honorable Mention: My favorite TV crime solvers
William Petersen: "Gil Grissom," CSI
Mandy Patinkin: "Jason Gideon," Criminal Minds
Anthony LaPaglia: "Jack Malone," Without a Trace

Alright, people - time to own up to your own bizarre celeb crushes! Let's hear 'em...the weirder, the better!!!!!

And if I see one "Brad Pitt" or "Orlando Bloom" listed, I will vomit.

(Apparently, I am not alone in this topic. Check it out!)

They named him Calamari.

This could possibly be THE BEST recap ever.

Please.

If you have been watching AI this season and have a few minutes and want to wet your pants due to excessive laughter, I beg of you... go here. It is the most brilliant, randomly awesome thing that I have ever read.

*cleaning up coffee that came out of my nose*

"Headed for a Heartbreak..."

Yep. I heard Winger on the radio this morning.

It's gonna be a good day....

Finale recap....

Silly montage....Meatloaf (ew)...Chris with Live...Chris is still smokin' hot....just in case you didn't know....Wolfgang Puck and Kellie Pickler and some escargot (actually rather funny)...Oh, look, Melissa McGhee...another silly montage....some goofy awards...ooh, Mary J. Blige and Elliott (damn, we could see who wore the pants in that duet)...yikes, what the eff happened to Clay Aiken, he looks like Pee Wee Herman, post-masturbation scandal...I do still love that voice, though...Ruben must have had a previous engagement....Brokenote Cowboys (hee.)...Toni Braxton sexing up Taylor during a non-sexy "In the Ghetto"...a Burt Bachrach medley...oh shit, they have Fetus Covais singing "What's New, Pussycat"...awesome...love it......HOLY CRAP - IT'S PRINCE!!!!! YAY!!!

Well, was it Katharine McPhee or the silver fox, Taylor Hicks................................

SOUL PATROL!
SOUL PATROL!
SOUL PATROL
*head cocked*
WOO!

Yup. No surprise there. Thanks, American Idol, for entertaining me for six months.....now, onto "So You Think You Can Dance?" *head cocked* WOO!

Do you know what my diastolic is?????*

I was going to recap's this week's American Idol, but....I just can't do it. I am sad that Elliott is gone, I am pissed at TPTB who decided it would be a good idea to plaster his name in huge white letters on the screen, and further, I seriously just coughed up a lung. Good times.

(But don't worry, dear readers who will be meeting me at one of my favorite downtown restaurants on Saturday evening...all will be well....or at least all will be doped up on Dayquil and Blue Moon!)

*For those of you that lived under a rock during the 1980's:
Cameron Frye, Ferris Bueller's Day Off**
**Ferris' response: "Take some Pepto Bismol, get dressed and come on over, I'm tired of this...."
(I could go on for days with this movie.)

"Thanks, Mr. Obvious!"

Katharine McPhee + "Over the Rainbow"= OUTSTANDING.

More on this later....but right now, preparation for tomorrow's pro se plaintiff deposition at one of this state's fine correctional facilities....

The West Wing RIP

Last night was the series finale of The West Wing. I don't know what I expected from the end of this series, but yeah, that wasn't it. I really wished they would have spent less time with what the new president and his staff would be doing and more time on what the old guard's plans were for the future. I think that the script alluded to CJ's plans to go back to California and work for pseudo-Bill Gates and be with Danny (yay!)....they further alluded to Will's plans to run for a seat in Oregon (huh?)....and the president did discuss with Charlie his plans to attend Georgetown Law (yay again!).

Okay, so basically, what I missed in this ep was Toby. Not a surprise to anyone who knows me. I just hoped that TPTB would have made more of the Toby/Bartlet thing than just whether Jed would sign the warrant. I mean, Toby wasn't even in the episode!!!!!!! What the hell. Ronna had more face time during the ep than Toby. Boo!!!!!!

I guess I thought that they would take us forward to the dedication of the Bartlet Presidential Library as they did in the first episode of the this season - a kind of coming full circle, if you will. But no. They didn't. Instead, I listened to Keb Mo play guitar, watched Bram move in to Charlie's office and be an ass about it, and got bored as Helen Santos went on about having to attend 9 balls.

BUT - on a positive note, I loved seeing the pilot episode - what a drastic contrast from the finale. Sam and Toby and Josh and CJ mixing it up with the religious right....woo hoo. So very good. I think I will be purchasing the first few seasons on DVD!

Anyway - overall, I give the finale a B. And really, it is just b/c there was no Toby.

*sniff, sniff*

Don't Be Cruel

So this week's AI was a shocker, a shocker* indeed.

The hottie has left the building.

Chris and his really awful sunglasses and sexy bald head....gone.

This week was Elvis week....and Tommy Mottola week. Huh? Beyond the fact that Mottola came off as a complete tool, the show was quite entertaining. Elvis certainly had a great book of songs - catchy melodies and great lyrics. Here's a quick breakdown:

Taylor started us off with a twitchy, Vegas lounge act version of "Jailhouse Rock." It was typical Taylor. I didn't love or hate it. His second song, "In the Ghetto," though completely politically incorrect, was really lovely. I had never heard the song before and really enjoyed it. I have always said that, when Taylor just stands still and sings, he is an amazing vocalist. He truly feels the music and has a great sense of the emotion behind the words. Loved it.

And of course, Taylor is safe - the guy has never been in the bottom group. The Soul Patrol (Woo!) is in full force.

Chris (sniff, sniff) chose "Suspicious Minds" as his first chart of the evening. Beyond the really awful sunglasses, this was a great performance. Seriously, once again, his stylist needs to be punched in the neck. As for the music, I just love this song and Chris really did it justice. His second choice, "A Little Less Conversation," was panned by Simon for being boring until the end, with redundant, low notes. Well, damn, Simon, I know you are British and all, but, dude, that is exactly how the song is written. Had he never heard the song? I thought it was really well done and loved the energy that he put into his performance.

I am shocked and saddened that he was voted off. (Apparently so was he, and Kat..and the rest of America)

Katharine...Kat, Kat, Kat. What the hell happened to you this week? A case of the nerves? I was truly disappoined. But, honestly, I think she went in at a huge disadvantage being the only girl during Elvis week. Her first song, which I wasn't sure whether was "Hound Dog" or "All Shook Up," or a medley of both, was a mess. She danced around like a mental patient and forgot the words and worst of all, was wearing the most awful grey shirt I have ever seen. Seriously. Hated it. Her second song, "Can't Help Falling in Love with You," started out nice....soft, delicate, sensitive....then got completely away from her. I agreed wholeheartedly with Simon's apple pie/whipped cream analogy...it was just too much...too many notes, too much volume...and once again a completely unattractive outfit. She really needs to just sing the song....without all of the added bullshit on top (i.e. floor writhing, bad dancing, panty showing....okay, leave the panty showing....but everything else needs to go.).

Although in the bottom two - Amazingly - she is safe for another week. Grrr, America, grrrrrr.

Finally......my boy, Elliott. Elliott rocked this week with two great performances. The first was entitled something with the word "Dream" in it ("I Have a Dream"? "Dream Weaver"? "Dream a Little Dream"? F*ck. I can't remember.) Anyway - it was awesome. I got weepy. Yes, I am retarded. I just love him and his underdog-ness. Plus, vocally? Come on, there is nothing better. And he really has gotten cuter. His stylist, unlike Chris' and Katherine's, needs a freaking raise. His second song, "Trouble," was just excellent. He showed some attitude and personality and it rocked.

Elliott - top two with Taylor!!!!!!! Woo hoo...."Come on ride the E-train, and ride it!"

I am truly psyched for next week...I haven't heard what they will be singing next week...but each will get three songs. So stay tuned, dear AI fans, for some great stuff Tuesday night!

Kelly P. OUT.
*Shocker - Kel...that one was for you.

Law Firm Malady

From Explaining the Inexplicable: The Rodent's Guide to Lawyers:

Partner Paranoia: Fear of answering interoffice phone calls and venturing into hallways, rest rooms, elevators, and other places where partners lurk.

Hee hee. Luckily, I do not suffer from Partner Paranoia; however, a number of my friends do! I wonder if there is some sort of vaccination you can get for this disorder???? Beyond NOT practicing law, of course!

Okay, seriously.

What the f*ck's up with Tom Cruise's hair? The dude has little spiky bangs. He looks like a douchebag.

That's all.

So. Not. Impressed.

With this week's AI. Admittedly, I missed most of the first half...which was when the true crap was slung by the performers...but I was lucky enough to jump in during Taylor's performance of "Play that Funky Music, White Boy." Taylor (and his eye-gouge inducing shirt) worked the audience into a state of mass hysteria during this song, which to me (and Simon) was like watching my cousin Bruce's drunken version of "Sweet Caroline" which he sang at his wedding: slightly painful, yet completely adorable. It was alright for me, Dawg...

During the commercial, I learned from Mr. P. that Chris' performance of "Renegade" was the best of the first half, that Kat totally McButchered Phil Collins' "Against All Odds," that Paris's rendition of "Kiss" was embarrassing to watch and reminded him of how old he was, and that a Mack truck could have driven through Elliott's vibrato during "On Broadway." Hmmm...not a very good start to the evening.

On to the second half - Billboard Top Ten...but apparently, there are about 729 Billboard Top Tens, so this really wasn't much of a restriction.

Elliott started us off with "Home" by Michael Buble. Now I totally dig Michael Buble, and I am on the E-Train all the way, so I really enjoyed this. I have heard others complain that it was boring...but I don't really think Elliott's draw is his big, vibrant personality...but his voice. And his voice was lovely. Mr. P., however, said it sounded "white trash," which, to this day, I have no idea what it means...maybe someone can clue me in. I loved it...Paula loved it...Randy said some shit about a dawg with a "yo" thrown in there for good measure, and Simon snarked on the lyrics about "going home." Well. Thank you, Simon. I am sure that was quite helpful for ol' Elliott.

Next up - Katharine....on her knees....with two guys beating on box drums. She sang "Black Horse and Cherry Tree"....this whole thing was just bizarre and distracting and ever so pornographic with the writhing and sliding and shit. But luckily (or not so luckily depending on the viewer), she kept all her clothes on. Overall- Vocals: great. Staging: completely ridiculous crap.

Paris decided to take a risk and go with a Mary J. Blige song...while wearing what appears to be "I Dream of Jeannie" bottoms and a standard military issue cropped jacket. It appears that Paris was having a LITTLE too much fun with her Fashion Plates before she got ready for the show. (Did anyone else play with Fashion Plates - you know, the little plastic tiles that had different parts of outfits on them and the you put them together and put paper over it and used colored pencils to color over them to create a picture???? Just me? It might have been the Poor Man's Paper Dolls or something, I don't know...but I freakin' LOVED 'em.) Anyway, I thought that, besides the outfit and the Tootie Ramsey hair, she did an excellent job. She pulled out some tough vocals - singing a Mary J song is never easy - and had a good time with it. However, she is destined to be gone....she has spent waaay too much time with Ryan over the past couple weeks. Au revoir, Paris!

Ooh, Chris is up now...you know how I know? Flames. The set always goes up in flames whenever Chris hits the stage. Overkill? Probably. Is he still all hot and cuffed in leather purchased at Hot Topic? Certainly. Is he probably going to sing a Fuel/Nickelback/Creed song? Most definitely. Now I had never even heard this song...nor had I heard of the band. I think I have been spending too much time with my books on tape. But, regardless of my cluelessness, it was apparent to me (and the judges) that Chris' singing (or the vocalist's techinical term: screaming his mother f*cking ass off) is doing some serious damage to his cords...his veins are popping out of his neck, for God's sake! He might want to think about SINGING a song next week...that might help.

Finally, Taylor closed the show with a Beatles song. Wha?!?! I'm sorry, the effing Beatles? Now Taylor, you already did a song for the year you were born, you don't get to do another one! What Billboard chart are we talking about? Oh, the re-issue chart. Very sneaky, Taylor...and very good. I love when Taylor just sings...he really does have an amazing voice and a true sense of musicality...even though I wonder if all his synapses are firing. Seriously. Here's my imitation of Taylor: "Woo!" "Soul patrol!" "Woo!"

Vom.

Well, as predicted, Wednesday came along and it was goodbye to Paris. No one was surprised by this, except maybe Elliott who looked as though he might throw up on the spot. Next week...a trip to Graceland and a workshop with none other than......Tommy Mottola. What the f*ck does Tommy Mottola have to do with Graceland? Now if they were doing old Mariah Carey songs, it would make sense. Hopefully, next week, Ryan will connect those dots for me. Until then....

Kelly P. OUT.

"Do you hear the people sing...singing the song of angry men..."

So I went to a high school production of "Les Miserables" last weekend. And beyond the fact that it was seriously the LONGEST experience of my life (yeah, the first act was an hour and a half), it was not near as les miserables as I thought it would be. Apparently, this was the watered down high school version, but I didn't see it. Mind you, I haven't seen this show since I was in high school (at the Assembly Hall on the University of Illinois campus - not really the best place to see a show), so I don't have the greatest memory of the show itself; however, it is one of my favorite CDs. So I definitely know the music and I can tell you this - all the songs were there. And all the lines were sung. Therefore, I have to give the students major kudos for pulling off such a tough production.

Originally, I was not thrilled with the prospect of sitting through a two-hour high school musical (certainly if it wasn't the really cute one on the Disney Channel). But, because Mr. P. was playing in the pit, it was either that or sit at home watching reruns of "Sell This House" with Tanya and Roger...and I knew I was going to do that on Sunday....so "Les Miz" it was! And honestly, I was quite impressed.

Dinner out with the hubby and a Broadway show...not a bad way to spend a Saturday night.

"Happy days are here again...the skies above are clear again..."

Ladies and gentlemen...let the TRUE competition begin.

It was the end of the road for Ms. Kellie Pickler last night. And the peasants rejoiced (yay).

This week's theme was not, as I first reported, "Songs by Blind People." (starring the Braillettes*). Instead it was "Songs You Fall Asleep OR Have Sex To." In other words, love songs. And honestly, it was pretty damn boring. Especially compared to last week's show of songbook standards. Only two people kept the show from being a complete snooze-fest: (1) Paula Abdul, whose crazy, crack-and- tequila-induced comments were more out of control than usual- complete with sobs of joy and declarations of love, and (2) Kat McPhee, whose mommy parts were in full force......seriously, I think I saw a nipple....and a flash of panty. It was hot.

Speaking of Kat, she started off the show with "I Have Nothing," made famous by my other favorite crack-user, Whitney Houston. Okay, here's the deal with Kat and this song. I think people were really surprised by the judges reaction to Kat's performance....and Simon did later apologize to Kat for being so hard on her....however, I totally saw where they were coming from on the song. She has an amazing voice. She has phenomenal stage presence. She does. But, she has a tendency, when she sings pop, to pull an Xtina, and manipulate her voice in such a manner that is comes off as kind of forced and scream-y...which is totally different than her vocal style when she sings standards. But, overall, I thought she did an awesome job - that is a tough freakin' song and she really pulled it off.

My boy, Elliott, was next. Yep, I am on the E-Train. He performed "A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway. Okay, I admit it...I hadn't heard this song before. But I am now awfully close to buying this album. I loved this song. I loved Elliott singing this song. I loved Elliott's outfit. (Apparently, he and Seacrest are shopping at the same stores now!) I love Elliott. Period. AND SO DID PAULA. Holy shit. She bawled like a mad woman and went on and on about how Elliott was a true American Idol. Seriously, this woman is batshit crazy. However, I totally agree with what she said. He was great. Go E! (Okay, so maybe I am a little batshit crazy, too.)

After Elliott, I think I might have fallen asleep for a minute or two. Yep, that's drool on my remote. Okay, let's see.....where are we?

I think the doomed Pickler was next...and we knew her performance was doomed for a number of reasons. One of which was her absolutely retarded (I use that word clinically) conversation with Ryan about the song she chose for this evening...."Unchained Melody." Oh holy hell. Really? The world's most boring and overrated song ever. As sung by LeAnn Rimes...good Lord...Are you trying to kill me, Kellie? So she and Ryan talk about her lack of a boyfriend to "play pottery with" like Demi Moore and Patrick "What the hell happened to his career?" Swayze in Ghost. It was painful to watch. Then, David Foster (producer/guest artist/complete assbag) asked Andrea Bocelli what color hair Kellie had. "Blonde." Oh, hahaha...that is so funny, American Idol....you all are so clever with your cliche blond jokes. On to the performance....it was bad. Just awful. Coma-inducing and rather robotic. Completely uninspiring. It was so bad, that Crazy Paula couldn't even come up with anything nice to say.

Taylor, in his normal extra-tight britches and very gray hair sang "Just Once" by James Ingram. Based on David Foster's assessment, I thought I was just going to be blown away by Taylor. Yeah...notsomuch. The band was extra loud. The song was in the wrong key - it was just too low for him. And minus his trademark spaz-tacular moves and "woo! woo!"s, Taylor is just an old-looking dude in a tight suit with a decent soul voice. Aww...too bad. He even looked disappointed...throughout the entire song.

Paris decided, because she hasn't really ever felt real "love" feelings, that she would pick a song about memories. Therefore, she picked "The Way We Were" by the vocal goddess that is Barbra Streisand. This is one of my all-time very favorite means a lot to me songs, so I was rather concerned about the possible ruination of a classic ballad. And, although she hit all the right notes and technically sang it well, I just did not like it in the least. It was just too much - too much forte. Not enough piano (dynamics, not the instrument with the black and white keys)...not enough mezzo piano and mezzo forte....all very loud and shouty. This is such an emotionally mature song...once again, I think that Paris just didn't get it.

Chris closed out the show with the extra mushy, cheezy "Tell me have you ever really, really ever loved a woman" song. Vom. Seriously one of the worst songs ever written. It was what put Bryan Adams over the edge, straight into the "hack singer" category. However, Chris made it quite sexy...of course, I think Chris could make "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" sexy, but that's just my opinion. I really enjoyed his performance. There's no way he will be in the bottom three this week.

Fast forward to Wednesday night. Ryan split the performers into three groups of two: Paris and Kellie, Chris and Elliott, and Taylor and Katharine. He then told Chris and Elliott to sit down - they were safe (yay). He then told Taylor and Katharine that they had the top votes of the night. They were safe (yay again). That left only poor young, loud Paris, and poor stupid, annoying Pickler. Paris...once again safe. Pickler - get your shit, and get out.

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we gots ourselves a singin' competition! Next week, down to five. Five really great performers. If only they had announced the theme...ooh, the suspense is killing me!

Kelly P. OUT.

*Inside joke.

"Somebody's got a case of the Mondays..." or why I watched this show about priest wannabes.

It's official. There is NOTHING good to watch on Monday nights. And yet, they pack Tuesday nights full of all sorts of television goodness. It is wholly unfair.

Speaking of holy, due to the lack of anything worthwhile on the tube, I decided to watch the finale of "God or the Girl," that I had DV-R'ed on Sunday night (Sundays - another night chock full of my favorite shows...). Did anyone else watch this show? It was on A&E all last week. I watched most of the eps - I think I missed two of them. It was a truly fascinating topic. The show followed four guys as they went through the discernment process to decide whether they wanted a "married life" or the life of a priest. These guys were some serious Catholics.

One guy, Joe, had been "discerning" for about 10 years. Holy crap - 10 years. Either shit or get of the pot, buddy. Yeah, I'm not really very religious, can you tell?! Anyway, his dad was on the verge of being a priest, his mother, a nun. They got married instead, and had eight kids. It was up to Joe to do the priest thing for the family. Well, sorry, Mom and Pop. That guy made the decision to not become a priest...but apparently, has made it his goal to get himself a wife. Well, good luck with that, Celibacy Boy.

The next guy, Dan..I liked Dan. He kind of had a Josh Groban-y look about him and is a youth minister at some college. He is waaaaaaaay extra Mandisa Catholic. Like shout it from the rooftops and make Kelly P. really uncomfortable Catholic. But that's cool tho' - the dude loves his God, and more power to him. Anyway, with all of that shoutin' and praisin', I really thought he was going to make the priestly plunge. But, nope - he's got a girlfriend, Amber, and is going to continue to minister to his youths (yutes?) and live with his brothers at "Fort Zion," a fraternity of sorts, full of celibate college guys eating spaghetti together.

One guy - whose name I don't even know b/c he was only featured on the show for about a night and a half, made the decision right away to stay with his girlfriend - Aly (see, somehow I got her name) - and be a teacher at a Catholic elementary school. Rock on for him. As the wife of a Catholic school administrator, I have to give it up for the parochial school teachers. They have a tough gig and don't get paid squat. But Nameless Guy will certainly be a spiritual guide for his students, and....well....he can still get some lovin' on the side. Good on him.

The last guy, Steve, was my favorite. This dude graduated from UVA and went to make craploads of money as a consultant. He bought a fat condo and a car and had a girlfriend. Then, one day, he read a pamphlet called "The Mysteries of the Black Suit and White Collar" or some shit....and gave everything up. The guy was actually CALLED. He rented out the condo, sold the car, and went to work as a campus missionary. His supervisor there decided that he was still kind of a puss about the whole priest thing so she sent him (and he agreed to it) to Guatemala to work with Father Jorge who worked with about 60 Guatemalan villages. Steve was not all about the village thing at first. He thought it was kind of dirty and smelly and no one spoke English. (Really? Huh.) But after a time there, he was sad to go. And he had made his decision. He made the announcement during mass at his family parish in Arlington, Virginia. He was going to be a priest. Gosh, I had hoped so, because it would be really freakin' awkward to get up in front of the congregation and say, "You know what? This priest stuff is cool and all, but what I really want to do is....DANCE. Or have sex with women."

So, all in all a great show - glad I invested in it a bit. I hope they find some more guys that are going through the process and continue the show. However, I am not really sure how many of those guys are out there. So, good luck, A&E, finding more interesting, young, cute guys that are thinking about the priesthood!

(After that was over, I was forced to watch "The Apprentice," something I have never watched. And now I know why. If I could, I would kick all their asses...including the Donald. What a bunch of idiots.)

Idol Chatter

The pretty boy has left the building.

I am afraid that this post will contain little snark this week, as, overall, I was quite impressed with most (read: everyone but Pickler) of the performances this week. And I even loved Rod Stewart...not his performance, mind you, because I just don't care for him....especially when he does a standard like "The Way You Look Tonight." All I can hear is "Iiiiifff you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on, baby, let me knowwwww..." Vom. I thought his interaction with the Idols was fun and helpful and complimentary and his baby was really cute, too.

The show started with Chris "He's Hot" Daughtry, sans eye makeup (thank goodness) singing "What a Wonderful World." They guy proved Simon and much of the viewing world that he was more than just a Scott Stapp impersonator. He was sweet and vulnerable and gorgeous. The song showed a completely different side of him - and his voice. He can sing without growling and grimacing and looking like he might eat a newborn for breakfast. YAY!

Paris came next. She was apparently late for her gig as a flight attendant with Southwest Airlines. I didn't get it. Loved the song (she channeled Billie Holiday beautfully during her rendition of "These Foolish Things"), hated the outfit. She is certainly quite a talent on stage, even though off stage she sounds slightly retarded. (Okay, maybe the post will have a little snark. I can't help it.)

Taylor sang Sam Cooke's "You Send Me" while, once again, wearing a pair of pants that are so tight you can see his daddy parts. Eww. The first part of the song was, as Simon said, "cabaret"...which I thinks means, in his world, boring kareoke, but the spastic guy rocked it out at the end with all the crazy arm movements and weird Gumby poses. I loved it. It was truly fun to watch...slightly embarrassing, but fun all the same.

Elliott came out next, looking so cute in a little jacket with a boutonniere. It is truly amazing what the AI stylists have done with Elliott's look...before, Frodo...now, Frodo's good-looking twin. Very nice. He sang "It Had to Be You" - and it was great. The guy showed some not-really-seen-before personality and had a good time with the song. He looked like he finally deserved to be on that stage. Loved it.

Kellie Pickler. Pickler, Pickler, Pickler. She was waaaay over her head this week. She attempted to warble through "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered." She had major intonation issues, couldn't stay with the band, and was, overall, pretty freakin' sucky. Seriously, she needs to go back to Albemarle and perform on Nickel Beer Nights at Showgirls. I think she would be much more successful. These songs are just too classy for her. Honestly, it was the absolute worst performance of the night, and probably her worst of the season.

Oh holy hell. Ace, buddy...what the hell did you do to yourself? Ace looked like a cross between a 90's frat boy (seriously, my brother had that hair in the 90's while he was social chair of Alpha Tau Omega...hence - 90's frat boy hairdo) and a mobster. He slicked his hair into this little Pebbles ponytail and had on a black suit and blue tie. Yikes. He sang "That's All"...and it...wasn't that bad. He is just so damn nasal. But, I guess if I had that cute of a nose, I would sing through it too :) But yeah. He's next.

Ahhh...they saved the best for last. Kat was last with "Someone to Watch Over Me" - one of my all time favorite songs both to hear and to sing. Kat has a lovely mezzo voice, with great presence and poise and a true mastery of lyrics. You can tell that the girl has had some lessons! She was breathtaking, really. My one complaint: what what up with the close up of the girl's face??? I could count her freakin' pores! She looked beautiful from top to bottom...couldn't they have pulled the shot back just a bit!

Overall - just amazing. Great, great show.

Wednesday...cruelty at its most AI. First, having to listen to Rod Stewart...then splitting the singers in two groups and making Taylor pick which one was NOT the bottom three singers. Such a tough call, what with Chris (who has been golden up until now) in one group with Ace and Paris (both of whom have beem the bottom three)...and Katharine and Elliott (both of whom have been in the bottom three) and Kellie (who never has been, but damnit, if she shouldn't be this week). Taylor chose correctly, after faking Ryan out with a handshake to Chris, and walked to Katharine's side.

Paris...safe, Chris...safe....Ace? Not so safe. It's safe to say....he's had a bad day. ;) Goodbye, Ace - you and your beanies and nasty scar and camera f*cking and nasally George Michael Jackson sound have to go!

Next week...Andrea Bocelli. Okay. The theme..."Greatest Love Songs." Oh. Alright. What I thought in my head (b/c I am evil) was...Songs by Blind People. All Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Ronnie Milsap, and that guy that sang "Angel Eyes." Woo hoo!

Kelly P. OUT.

Killer Queen

And then there were seven.

I have to agree with the other recaps I have read that said that this week's show was quite entertaining. It really was. Maybe it is because I like Queen and, thus, knew all the songs, or maybe it was b/c the makeup artists all had their application knobs turned to "Tammy Faye." I am not sure which. Either way, it was quite enjoyable.

If you hadn't heard, this week was the end of the road for the Buck-ster. And really..it was about time. He was Season 6's Scott Savol...he hung on a little too long. I am curious, however, whether he ACTUALLY had the lowest votes, or if the producers of the show thought this was the best way to get him off the show so he could face criminal charges in his home state for some bizarre twin identity switch thing. I don't know. The whole thing sounds very Sweet Valley High to me...Jessica and Elizabeth were always switching places and causing madcap hijinks. Same thing here...only it was less Bruce Patman and his rich, bullying ways, and more hit and run, resisting a public officer, giving fictitious information to a public officer, driving with a suspended license and leaving the scene of an accident. That's all.

But I again digress....It is so easy to do with this show. On with my random musings.

Buckarino started the show with "Fat Bottomed Girls." It was allllllright, I guess. Nothing special. A little bit of microphone hot potato, some rickety legs, and Queen gone country. Gosh, no wonder he went home. It certainly wasn't memorable. That's all I have for poor Bucky.

Ace Young was next with a song that I never thought I would hear on AI: "We Will Rock You." Wha?!? Are you kidding? This is the most un-Ace song imaginable. Its' all about sweaty hotties on a basketball court, not pretty boys faking English accents and adding bizarre melodic lines. The best part of Ace's portion of the show was his interaction with the remaining members of Queen. In particular, when Ace made some suggestions to the guys in the band about how to make the song more "him," one of the band members basically said that he couldn't bastardize a song that he wrote. Hee. Good for him. Anyway, the performance was just awful...he really should have gone home....again.

Here it is. The moment Robin was waiting for...."Bohemian Rhapsody" sung by....Kellie Pickler. Yep, you read it correctly. The girl who can't pronounce "calamari" or "salmon" was going to attempt a song with lyrics like "I see a little silhouetto of a man. Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me. Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo Figaro - magnifico!" Huh?

Actually, she didn't. She picked 90 seconds of the song that rocked out with some pretty easy lyrics. And it was okay, actually. Her hair and makeup as well as the lighting were taken straight from the video for the song and her outfit was very S&M, but that's cool, because the whole thing was kind of strange. She got through the song and I was pretty content with the whole thing..... and then she opened up her effing mouth. Simon said, "this looked bad on paper" - meaning the idea of Kellie Pickler attempting this song seemed a bad idea...and she said, "Huh? On paper??" She didn't get the phrase.

*cricket, cricket*

Whatever. I am over her and her idiocy.

Taylor was back to his spastic, Tourette's-iness with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which was great to listen to but absolutely wretched to watch. How wretched, you ask? Well, the dude tried to kick over a mic stand.....and missed. Like twice. I think he finally got it on the third try, but fuck, dude. You might want to rehearse that shit or something....or get a wider mic stand. Seriously. But he's safe. It was good...but he was drunk. I agree with Simon on that one.

Chris decided to be the "rebel" (riiiiiight) and picked "Innuendo," a relatively new song for Queen that they never performed live. And damn, if there wasn't a good reason for it. The song had about 2 notes and both of them weren't pretty. It just didn't work for me, Dawg. But.....he's still hot. He had an awful lot of eye makeup on, though - it was very Billie Joe Armstrong....still hot.

Katharine picked one of my ALL-TIME favorite Queen songs to perform: "Who Wants to Live Forever," from the soundtrack for the movie "Highlander." *sigh* It was freshman year in high school all over again for me...watching Highlander with my boyfriend...hated the movie, loved the boyfriend. Anyway, she freakin' killed. It was so good....a little off-pitch in some parts, but it is a tough song, and Freddie Mercury was a vocal god...so overall, she did an amazing job. And she looked gorgeous. I love her. (My mom doesn't - she thinks there is something "off" about Kat, but can't put her finger on it....can anyone help her out?)

Paris once again put on some freaky-deaky black outfit and sang "The Show Must Go On," a song written while Freddie Mercury was dying of AIDS. It is a very adult song...a very mature and emotional song...and I don't think that Paris and her fingerless gloves really got that. It was, as Simon said (hee.), "weird." Quite. I am ready for the show to go on, without RudyParis.

Once again, saving the best for last...Elliott Yamin sang "Somebody to Love," an absolutely great Queen song...and a really freakin' hard song to sing. And the dude pulled it off. I agreed with Randy when he said he was looking forward to Elliott's song b/c he has a similar sound as Freddie - the full vibrato and bright tone...and agreed further when Randy said how great he was. Because he rocked. Here's my question, though. Why does Kellie get crazy lighting and fun makeup and why does Chris get rocker lighting and fun(?) makeup and why does Taylor get crazy....well, he's just crazy, so never mind that one........and Elliott looks like he is performing in his high school auditorium? I don't get it. No lights, no real staging, certainly no "costuming." Very odd. I think it might be sabotage. I'm just sayin'.

Wednesday night - they stretched a 10 minute show into an hour and it was truly painful to watch. Lots of jazz hands, lots of tears, and an eloquently described "community snot rag."" (Thank you again, Ms. Pickler, for your brilliant use of the Queen's English...stupid whore.) Bottom three: Ace (absolutely), Bucky (hell yeah), and Elliott (WHAT THE F*CK!). Ryan had each of them sing right after being told they were in the bottom three....that is just hateful, AI producers, HATEFUL, I SAY. And once again, Elliott blew everyone away.

Without much fanfare, Bucky was told he "had a bad day," and that this was the end of the road. Good riddance, I say. On to Rod effing Stewart week.

Kill me now.

Phew...

Rough morning....

Dropped the Q off for his big appointment at the vet. Yep, today is the day that he is permanentaly separated from his nut. That's right. Nut. Apparently, the doc has to go spelunking for the other nut.......poor Q. It is going to be a rough day for him as well.

It certainly didn't start out great for him. B/c of the surgery, he had to fast for the the 12 hours beforehand. Well, he didn't much care for that. He likes his breakfast at 6:00, damnit! So, in retaliation for not feeding him (or just because he was really hungry), he ate a button off of Keith's dress shirt. Yep. A button. So, of course, I had to let the vet know that, although we followed his orders about fasting, if he sees a button when he is down there, he will know why.

Needless to say, after my morning, I was forced to stop by Starbucks and pick up a triple venti peppermint mocha. Forced to, I say!

**For Amanda who has had a helluva couple weeks...

From Overheard in New York:

The Dream Wasn't Long Enough

Hipster girl #1: ...So now I feel really uncomfortable whenever I'm around him.

Hipster girl #2: Why? 'Cause you had dream sex with him?

--L train

Overheard by: master overhear-er

**Trust me, it's funny to us!

So. Sad.

Watched The West Wing last night. And cried. I miss Leo. And John Spencer. I have loved him since his days on L.A. Law. I have to think that, even if the show wasn't in a pivotal place to end, as it was when Spencer died, that it would have done so anyway. I don't think that show could survive without him and his character.

My one major problem with last night's ep, though....The president got the news that Leo died and he...went to sleep??? I don't think if my best friend, confidante, and advisor of 30 some-odd years unexpectedly dies (it was rather unexpected this time), I would be able to sleep as easily as Jed did during the show. Very weird. Maybe it was just me.

I am going to make sure I have a big box of Kleenex with me for next Sunday's episode. It's going to be pretty ugly.

*sigh*

One big country cluster f*ck.

Well, I am back from Notre Dame...and all I have to say about that experience was, "Wow." My boss rocks. And so does my former civil rights prof. I have no idea how the judges are going to rule, but it could certainly go either way. They were both stellar.

Onto more important things than the rights of sex offenders...

Country music night.

Well, we all know how it came out. Mandisa and her mess of a country song left the Woolworth Stools of Love for the last time. And, although I am kind of bummed about it - because, damn, the girl can *sang* - I am not surprised. As Chuck has so eloquently stated, much of her fan base was made up of gay males who loved them some big diva singers....and she alienated the shit out of them with her lifestyle, Adam and Eve-not Adam and Steve talk. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And you know what - whoever the hell decided that she would look REALLY good in a halter style shirt with horizontal stripes? Yeah, you know who you are....shame on you!!!! No, no , no. No self-respecting "curvy" girl would wear such an outfit - and I know, as I am one. Okay, not THAT curvy ;) But still...that stylist should be fired as well.

The shocker for me (SHOCKER*) was the rest of the bottom three. Okay, I know...I might be the only one who loves Elliott, but I do so with all of my heart. He is naturally gifted and completely unassuming. And he actually did a pretty good job - even though Kenny Rogers gave him some shitty advice. And seriously, Paris? I know - some people say she "needs to go" - and that person is Charles - but I don't really think she is worse than those that were left sitting. Not at all. (ahem, Kellie Pickler, I am talking to you.)

Here's the rundown, ladies and gents...and I will try not to screw up the song titles, but honestly, for most of them, I had to look 'em up b/c, like Simon, I don't really like country.

Taylor started us of with a very twitchy and slightly crappy version of John Denver's "Country Roads, Take Me Home." Okay, I knew this song. I love this song. And Taylor ruined this song. It was garbled and out of tune. Was I the only one that thought he should have sung (sang?) "The Gambler"??? Come on. Taylor is well on his way to looking like Kenny Rogers looked at about the time Kenny sang that song....although it is really hard to remember what Kenny Rogers looked like at all looking at the bizarrre half man/half action figure that was the guest artist Tuesday night. WTF???? There's someone else that needs to be fired - that guy's plastic surgeon. Holy shit.

Next. Mandisa. Yeah, country is not really her thing. And why would she pick such a tough song. It really is tough - too many words...and really - it was a bad idea for her to pick a song by someone with the greatest abs known to womankind. I hated it. Couldn't she have done a power ballad by Martina or something? Anything?

Elliott sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks. Another song that I know and love. And he really did a solid job, considering this is NOT his genre. But of course, Kenny "He-Man" Rogers had to go and fuck him up by telling him to not do so many "runs" and stuff. I hate unnecessary runs as much as the next person, but Elliott uses them in such a way that they are musical and expressive, not like over the top Xtina kinds of runs. So basically....Kenny musically castrated poor Elliott. He just cut off his balls and let him hang in the wind with a microphone and a really scared look on his face. Nice job, Man-who-supposedly-is-Kenny-Rogers.

Paris sang "How Do I Live?"...oh, wait. No. That wasn't the title. Apparently, Paris thought the title was "How Do I Leeeeeeeve?" Well, sweetie, you'll leeeeve by singing a LeAnn Rimes and looking pretty pissed to have to do so. She was not comfortable up there in her John Travolta Urban Cowboy outfit. And the judges (and the audience) could tell.

Ace was up next with a whiny version of "Wind Beneath My Wings"....damn, I didn't know Bette had gone country! I later learned it was not Bette, but a Keith Urban song. (Sounded the same.) By the time he got done, I really wished it had been "Wind Beneath My Wings."
"Did you ever know that you're (breath) ashittysingerwhoisonlygettingbyonhisgoodlooksandthevotesofprepubescentgirls?"
I guess not. Sucked. Hated it again. And he has taken the camera sex up a notch...I can't take it.

Effin' Pickler was up next. And for her little pow wow with Ryan, they discussed the rumors that her dumbassy persona was an act. She swore it wasn't, and to punctuate the point, she pointed out to the viewing audience that "salmon" did in fact have an "l" in it.

Really? No shit.

I will never get those 30 seconds back, will I?

She decided to grace us with her version of Reba's "Fancy." And damnit, it was okay. But it had better been okay, right? Because SHE IS A COUNTRY SINGER. Right? Yeah, she has only been shouting that from the rooftops every week. Got it. You are a country singer. And you proved this week that, if necessary, you could pull a weekly gig at Bob's Country Bunker. Congrats.

Chris sang another Keith Urban song...and it was pretty...and boring. But it was nice to hear he can do something other than Live/Creed/Nickelback and that his non-screamy voice is quite pretty. I would like to hear it more. And yep - he's still freakin' hot.

Kat McPhee performed Faith Hill's "You Bring Out the Elvis In Me." Is that really a song???? I just thought she made up some shit as she went along because I couldn't really find a melody and I didn't much care for the lyrics, nor did I really understand them and her sexy dance just didn't cut it for me. See - that was a performance that needed to be in the bottom three. I hated it.

Finally, Bucky. Bucky "did his thing." He did. I enjoyed it. And I can't believe I just wrote that. *sigh* He did. Although I didn't realize that his song was actually a country song - I thought it was, like, Vertical Horizon or something. It was enjoyable and (gulp) he looked kinda cute in the cowboy hat...that is, with his mouth closed, of course, b/c those teeth are rough. I can only handle so much bad teeth, and Elliott almost puts me over the dentistry edge as it is. All I can say about Bucky is...well played, my boy. Well played.

Wednesday night....bottom three: Mandisa, Elliott, Paris.

That's it. I have to start voting.

Ryan sent Paris back (to the Woolworth Stools of Love) and left Mandisa and Elliott together. Okay, I am sorry to state the obvious, but wow. Mandisa made Elliott look like Frodo the Hobbit. Poor thing.

Anyway - Mandisa got the lowest number of votes and she has to pack her bags.......full of halter tops and light colored sequined jeans and horizontal stripes and homophobic slogans emblazoned on picket signs and WWJD tee shirts and Bibles.

Next week - the music of Queen. Stop laughing. I am dead serious. This is one of my all-time favorite bands - I wouldn't joke about such things. Kellie Pickler is going to perform her bastardized version of "Tie Your Mother Down" or "Radio Ga Ga" or even worse, "Bohemian Rhapsody." I am sure that Freddie Mercury is shitting his grave. So sad.

*For Chuck, Amanda, and Kel.

N.D. then A.I.

Hello, my dear Readers,

I am sure you all are expecting the latest AI rant, full of comments about the inane shit that occurred last night...Paula on the wacky weed, Simon calling Ryan out about Hatchcrest, Kenny Rogers as Madame Tussaud wax figure, Kellie Pickler declaring her love for "Hooked on Phonics"...and we haven't even gotten the performances yet.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to post on said country jamboree today....this afternoon, I am heading to Notre Dame Law School. There, tomorrow morning, my boss-slash-trial lawyer extraordinaire goes head to head with my former and (favorite) civil rights professor-slash-civil liberties guru in front of the 7th Circuit! Woo hoo!!!! Who will I root for?????

Check back tomorrow evening for the full recap and results...

I am off to make my glittery "I *heart* Ken" sign for oral arguments tomorrow!

Love, KP

"I mean even if he had a nice personality and a cool car... although you'd probably have to ride in the backseat because his nuts would ride shotgun."

One of the greatest stories my husband tells about his college dorm life experience was about a game that he and his buddies used to play called "trolling." The object of the game was to see who could come home from the house parties with the ugliest girl. The guy with the ugliest girl wins. Okay, I know...that doesn't sound very funny...or nice...and I am sure many of you are wondering why I married the guy...and others of you who know my husband are not at all surprised by this. Anyway...

At one point during the year, they made the decision for the game to end. Not because they thought it was disgusting or degrading to women...or to themselves for the matter. No. The game came to end because, one night, Keith's roommate brought home who the guys believed was the ultimate "troll." And sadly, the poor girl couldn't help her condition. What made her so very special? Well...

The girl had a wooden leg and a glass eye.

No shit.

A wooden leg AND a glass eye.

Holy crap. How much would that suck? And how long did it take Keith's roommate to find this chick? And who has a WOODEN leg anymore???

I say all of this as background to say... that I just read the funniest line in my client's deposition...and I quote:

Plaintiff's Lawyer: Whose discretion is it -- well first of all, is it discretionary with your office whether people receive assistance who seek assistance?
Defendant: You may need to rephrase that, please.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: Well, for example, if I come to your office and I say, "I need some help to pay my heat for December --"
Defendant: Uh-huh.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: "--and here's my heat bill and I'm unemployed. And I only have one leg --"
Defendant: Uh-huh.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: "--and I need help--"
Defendant: Uh-huh.
Plaintiff's Lawyer:--who decides whether or not I receive the help or not?

"And I only have only leg..."?????? Stop it. Why does that kind of shit crack me up?

I really need help.

Is it wrong that...

I want to get a Cingular wireless phone so I can download Elliott Yamin singing "Moody's Mood for Love" to use as my ringtone?????

I thought so.

Next thing you know I will be buying a Ford and drinking Coke...and buying Paula Abdul's greatest hits album. (Yep, she has one.)

Idol Roundup - also called "I didn't realize that the music from the last six years SUCKED so bad"

Let's get one thing straight before I start this week's rant. Katharine did not deserve to be in the bottom three. Are you effing kidding me? Even though I really am not an Xtina fan...really really not an Xtina fan...Kat had a great voice. Ooh, now that I think about it, maybe the voters just hated her outfit. I know I hated her outfit. I don't know what the hell was going on with that shit, but it was wretched. I can't even describe it in such a way for the readers to fully grasp its hideousness. Anyway...

The theme for this week was "21st Century Songs." And amazingly, there were four songs out of the ten that I had never heard. Sad, really - either for them for picking such crap songs, or me for not listening to the radio more. I am thinking it is the former....b/c my career is not on the line for listening to NPR instead of Radio Now...or Radio Saigon, or whereever the hell they got their songs!

Lisa Tucker started us off with "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. Although it was okay (and would prove to be better than a number of other performances), the song was just too big for Lisa's voice. She is sweet and lovely and is going to be in the bottom three. There is no way around it.
(After this, the order gets a bit sketchy for me...)

Ace Young sang "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Three memorable things occurred during Ace's performance. One - I about wet my pants when he said he wanted to go more "rock" with his song choice. Rock?!?!? Was he serious? If Train is rock, then Barry Manilow is punk. Whatever, Dude. Second, he showed off a creepy scar...and Paula made a wholly inappropriate comment about it. And third? He sucked monkeys. It was just bad.

Kellie Pickler...well, I effing HATE Kellie Pickler, so I am not going to say anything other than Sara Evans is a goddess. Don't freaking sing her songs...even crappy ones like that silly soap song.

Taylor Hicks is one of my favorites, vocally - but least favorites to actually have to watch. I actually get embarrassed when he is on. Plus, I think he may have some sort of disorder...I don't know what, but he needs medication for it. The manboy is strange. Overall, a great song for him. I enjoyed him just standing there and NOT dancing. But again - where the hell did that song come from?????

Mandisa. Mandisa, Mandisa, Mandisa. Girl, I love you. I love you in all your bigness and loveliness. I think you are probably the most talented performer on that stage. But, damn, please don't proselytize. Seriously. I save religion for Sundays....not for Tuesday nights. I am Methodist...we get uncomfortable when people actually "praise the Lord" out loud. It was all shouting and sequined pants...I didn't like it. And second, and you should know this by now. Dark colors on the bottom. Light colors on the top. Thanks.

Paris Bennett performed Beyonce's "Work It Out." Now let's be clear. I love this song. I bought this album. But watching Paris perform this made me feel extremely uncomfortable...like I was breaking the law...and I was going to be placed on the sex offender registry. She did a good job, I just didn't think it was appropriate. Moving on.

Bucky Covington sang some bullshit country song that I didn't know, and couldn't figure out b/c the band was too loud and his mouth was full of tabacky or something. I don't know. He needs to go.

Katharine McPhee...see above. Xtina + Fugly shirt = Bottom three. And I love her. I do. But that was one UGLY shirt.

Chris Daughtry sang something scream-y by Creed. I knew it was only a matter of time before he busted out his very best Scott Stapp impersonation. It was loud and kind of obnoxious, and I have to agree with Simon - indulgent. No self-respecting rocker would be on American Idol. They just wouldn't. Also, it now time for Chris to sing more than one note during a song....I am kind of over him. But damn if he isn't still really really hot.

And saving the best for last...

Elliott Yamin sang the theme to "One Tree Hill." Also known as that one song by Gavin DeGraw that Bo sang last year. It was a cool arrangement (even though the judges didn't really agree with that) and Elliott sang the shit out of it. His vocals are just effortless. He has awesome intonation, and a super cool vibe about it. I love him, he is my favorite. But, why oh why, American Idol stylists, did you dress him like a homeless person??? That is the last thing Yamin needs...more ugliness.

On Wednesday, Shakira shook her bon bon. And I liked it. A lot. And Lisa, Ace, and....Katharine (What the fuck? Not Bucky? You mean I have to sit through Bucky for another week????) were in the bottom three. Sexy Seacrest sent Ace back to the Woolworth Stools of Love, and left Kat and Lisa as the bottom two. Wow. The suspense nearly made me...fall asleep. Of course Lisa was going home. And she did. And I cried. As usual.

Next week - COUNTRY. Oh boy. Remind me to put "earplugs" on my shopping list.

At my nerdy best

I enjoyed reading Robin's post about what she was reading. So much so, that I thought I would share the books which I am currently enjoying right now. I have started a bunch of books and am now just finding the time to finish:

(1) Dog Days by Ana Marie Cox.

The author is better known by her blog moniker, Wonkette. I read Wonkette while I was in law school, so I bought it out of curiosity. Cox includes a bit of funny political commentary within a tepid, barely fictionalized story of August 2004 Washington DC. The clichéd characters evoke little besides disinterest and annoyance, especially when speaking. Cox excels when parodying the Swift Boaters with the 'Citizens for Clear Heads'. Honestly, I have been slogging through this book for a month or so now, and can't seem to finish. I think she is better off sticking to the blog.

(2) Don't Get Too Comfortable : The Indignities of Coach Class, The Torments of Low Thread Count, The Never- Ending Quest for Artisanal Olive Oil, and Other First World Problems by David Rakoff

This collection of essays by the author of Fraud (another favorite of mine!) is a well executed satire of our hyper-indulged, self-entitled, over-consuming society. Rakoff rails (rather articulately!) on everythin: elitist varieties of salt, twenty-day fasts, the Log Cabin Republicans, and foraging in Central Park. A great read - I highly recommend it!

(3) Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities by Alexandra Robbins

Robbins' investigation into the life of sororities is an interesting one. I am a former member of a sorority. I de-activated after about a year and a half, as my major at the time, music education required a great deal of evening and weekend responsibilities, which overlapped with the sorority activities. For every sorority activity I missed, I was fined at least 20 dollars, even though my reasons for my absence were related to academics. I enjoyed the sorority experience, I just couldn't afford it. But I digress.

Because I had been exposed to sorority life,I was very fascinated to see an outsider's take on the institutions. Robbins' exploration is fun to read, but for that reason, I believe certain things are sensationalized. For example, Robbins is absolutely appalled that sorority sisters do not discuss charity at charity events. Further, in revealing sorority secrets, she shows no respect for her subject. Perhaps to those reading who are outside of the Greek system, these sorority secrets seem trivial and dumb, but they actually do mean a lot to those who are in the group. She forgets that just because it doesn't mean anything to her, does not mean it is not meaningful.

Overall, however, I enjoyed this book greatly. It is an easy read - I finished it in a couple hours. I think if you are Greek or even a GDI (I was a bit of both!), you will enjoy the stories of the four sorority sisters, as well as the statistical and anecdotal information Robbins includes in each chapter.

The sky has indeed fallen....

for Chicken Little.

Kevin "Fetus" Covais has been voted off the island...or the stage...or whatever. However you want to say it, the little dude is out of here. And not a moment too soon...as anyone who reads this blog (or Robin's, really!) knows. I couldn't deal with the blinky eyes and bad attitude a minute longer.

And, yet, why oh why did I get a little weepy when they showed his cheesy "Had a Bad Day" montage???? Geez.

"Looks like we made it...."

BARRY MANILOW WAS ON AMERICAN IDOL LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He rocks. I love him. You can call me a "Fan-ilow." I don't care. I am. I wholeheartedly admit it.

In other AI news, I effing hate Kellie Pickler with the heat of a thousand suns.

And I still love Elliott...the fact that he said he was not fond of Barry before working with him - you know what, good for him. At least he is honest. I bet 3/4 of that crew either didn't like him, or had never heard a single song by him, but they are too bullshit to admit it. Elliott kicked ass...as did Mandisa, Paris, and Katharine. Didn't care for Taylor's performance at all. And Chris? Well, I love Chris...but I didn't even recognize his version of "Walk the Line." Maybe I wasnt' supposed to. I don't know...but I didn't get it.

Bucky, Kevin, and Kellie have got to go. After that, we will have a damn good competition.

Sins of the Father

My boss and I have a bizarre relationship. Although he is brilliant and I want to be like him when I grow up, he is rather sheltered and naive about things in general. (Seriously the most naive 49 year old man I have ever met). Especially things of an unseemly nature. Which cracks me up. So I have made it my goal to "dirty" him up a bit...basically, I like to fuck with his head. He says I am "disconcerting" in that way.

Today, during one of our many random back and forths via email, I received a lesson on mortal sins....it went something like this:

Me: (regarding the concept of purgatory - don't ask) I never really understood that concept...I thought that was for dead babies. Not the same?

Him: (completely shocked by my ignorance) No. People who have not been baptized, die having committed mortal sins who have not been to confession, or otherwise are not quite worthy of Heaven go to Purgatory. That is, for those who don’t qualify to go to Hell immediately. While in Purgatory, others pray for your salvation.

Me: (regarding above-mentioned mind fuck) So which of those three do you think I am going for?

Him: (with remarkable candor) Well I have been baptized so that one is out of the picture. The mortal sin thing has me worried however!!!! As far as being unworthy for Heaven, well that is already up in the air!

Me: (about to wet my imitation leather chair) LMAO! I can see why you did so well on your LSATs...you are quite good at the process of elimination. What exactly are "mortal sins," really????? I mean, is it THAT black and white...I am much of more of a "gray" kind of gal.

Him: (again putting on his CCD/RE hat) Mortal sins include: Murder, Rape, Adultery, Abortion, etc. Serious stuff!

Me: (incredulous) Okay...yeah. That's the plan...to get you to have an abortion. Damn, you found me out.

He later admitted that he threw the whole "abortion" thing in there to piss me off as we tend to disagree on social/political issues (abortion, homosexuality, etc.).

Although it was a truly enjoyable and informative exchange, I am still trying to figure out to whom to bill my time! I think I will categorize it as "associate development"!!!!!!!

**This post is dedicated to my boss - as I described him to my BFF - the ultimate leprechaun...Boston Irish Catholic ND grad, B.S. and J.D.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!!!!